In Chin Deep

Bernie Madoff is the fuck who was responsible for tons of greedy douchebags and charitable organizations losing most or nearly all of their money. He was once the renowned former chairman of the NASDAQ SE and now has become a household name, having been charged with carrying out one of the most amazing investor fraud cases ever perpetrated. His connections span the globe. At this moment, he is currently under house-arrest until he has to face his indictment….hoping and waiting that his wealth and connections can help him.

As a result of what Bernie has done, there are a good amount of people out there that wish harm towards this man. I myself am not one of those people. I do not believe in “wishing someone harm,” however, I do believe in Karma. I believe that Karma can befall people like him and restore the natural order. So until Karma comes along, lets hop in the imagination machine and imagine what forms it could come in…such as one of the following:

POISONING: Maybe he is secretly a foodie (food aficionado) and loves nothing but the most exotic and new creations. Let’s say that one particular night he decides to kick it up a notch and has some five-star chef come to his place to prepare him Fugu (blowfish, lethal if not prepared correctly). Unfortunately, Karma could make sure that the chef preparing the Fugu had a slight case of the flu, resulting in blurry vision while carving up the aquatic delight, leaving substantial amounts of the poisonous toxin flowing into each bite of his delicious meal. As his nervous system shuts down from ingesting the toxin, maybe he would think about all the bad things he has done while watching his five-star chef prepare to show off his ever building necrophilia fetish.

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION: What if he is one of those guys that can only orgasm by cutting off his air supply? Maybe he will decide that he needs to take his mind off of the upcoming indictment by getting off on extreme bondage play. Maybe that includes choking himself with a rope around his neck while it is tied to one of the ceiling beams in his luxurious apartment. If that were true, then karma might cause him to tie the knot on the rope around his neck too tight resulting in him not being able to remove it in time to catch that last breathe during climax. Instead, the real climax would be him hanging from a beam like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party.

ELECTROCUTION: Now the previous one maybe too extreme for the market mogul…so let’s say that he decided to relax with a hot bath, candles and some Vanessa Carlton (suburban white girl music) on his nearby Bose sound system. It’s relaxing…it’s warm…it’s humid and everything is getting slippery. What if Karma caused him to accidentally knock the now slippery sound system into the tub while singing “making your way down town” along to the young Ms. Carlton? He would have to make his way down town in a coroner’s van.

No matter what happens, even if the bastard doesn’t have Karma befall him in this life, it will befall him in the next life. Maybe he will come back, reincarnated in the form of one of the most vile and unfortunate creatures to walk the Earth…maybe the next reality tv star.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Unless you’ve been living a fuckin’ cave for the past 6 months, you’ve probably heard about the truly disturbing story behind the disappearance of Caylee Anthony. Let me start by saying that this is a truly sad story. And that’s all the sympathy you’ll get from me today…

CNN began taking advantage of this misfortune as soon as the story broke. First, CNN reported this missing child just like the rest of the media retards. And as the story got cold and few viewers cared any more, CNN just wouldn’t let it die. They eventually gave that annoying biotch Nancy Grace permission to sit and run her annoying fucking mouth about the situation for what seems like 12 hours every day.

Normally, I don’t complain about bad TV programs because I just don’t watch them. However, each day as I flip between CNN (my favorite news station) and FOX (which I watch for entertainment purposes cause those douchebags have funny things to say), I have to pass the “All Nancy Grace, All the Time” station (which is also owned by CNN). No matter how quickly I push the ‘channel-up’ button, it’s never fast enough for me to avoid hearing the shrilly voice and seeing the angry, constipated look that comprises Nancy Grace.

Day-in and day-out, Nancy beats the splooge out of the Caylee Anthony story. As she recklessly bellows, CNN repeatedly shows the same photos and plays the same video of Casey Anthony, the accused mother. And in each photo and each video clip, the young Casey is shown partying, laughing and enjoying life despite the status of her missing daughter. I’ll have to admit, this is the only good part of the coverage. There’s something about a baby-killing sex-panther that just gets me going.

Enough of that; Today I vented my anger of the whole situation by drafting the following letter to CNN. In my letter, I express how I feel about their coverage of the Caylee story:

A Letter to CNN
Dear CNN,
I’m writing to you to tell you how I feel about your coverage the Caylee Anthony story. I think you may be overdoing this story a little bit. Did you know that there are over 2,000 children that go missing every day? I’d like to tell you that I think there may be children other than Caylee Anthony that deserve some attention, too. Do you think you could cover their stories too? True, the other missing children may not be white and their moms may not be hot little sex-buckets. But you may be able to help them if you give them some exposure on your fine television station. Look, I’m not a complete dummy- I realize that you need these things for your ratings. After all, who wants to watch sob stories about ugly minority children. I just think it would be nice if you reported all the news, and not just the sexy stories.

Also, if you wouldn’t mind, please replace Nancy Grace with another angry and equally incapable of pleasing men, woman. We’d all sleep a lot better if we didn’t have to hear her annoying voice and see her stupid, annoying face on TV all night as she bitches about whatever the fuck she’s always bitching about. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to your response. No matter what you decide, I still like you guys more than those douchebags over at FOX.

XOXO
-ricko

For your viewing pleasure:

Nancy Grace is Owned

Popularity: 10% [?]

Have you ever been asked, “Do you mind if I smoke?” This question usually comes from an asshole smoker who seeks to light up in your vicinity.

I have been asked this question and I truly fuckin hate it. And to be honest, I have to stereotype every idiot who has ever asked me a question this dumb. Such a dumb question can mean one of two things. The first option; this retarded cunt  really has no idea how impolite it is to blow toxic fumes in another human being’s face. And I don’t mean retarded in the cute, I-was-born-with-a-disability way, either. The other option is that they just don’t care.   Here’s a recent situation I found myself in:

Part 1:
Stupid-face asks me, “Do you mind if I smoke.” In my head, I’m thinking do you mind if I drop my drawers and shit on your shoes. Unfortunately, I instead reply, “Not at all.”

Part 2:
Douchebag starts sucking on his cigarette like Andy Dick sucks penis at a pride parade. Upon exhale, scumbag is kind enough to angle his smelly, tar-cover lips upward such that only half of his toxin cloud ends up in my face and eventually, in my lungs only to be the cause of my miserable silver years spent on Oxygen in a hospital bed. Not only is this courtesy ineffective, it also makes douchebag look even more like a douchebag.

Part 3:
Smokey the bear throws his cigarette on the ground. Of course, there’s no fuckin way he’s going to pick it up. Besides, it’s socially acceptable to leave cigarettes on the ground. But at least he steps on it, reducing the odds that it causes a fire. What courtesy. Give this douche-fucker an award.

Part 4:
Douche-licker hops in his hybrid and cruises off. What an environmentalist. I should have slit his throat when I had the chance.

In dealing with a question so baffling stupid, I tend to go through the following emotional steps.  It’s important to note that, in any given circumstance, I may skip a step. It really depends on how the rest of my day is going.

Emotion #1: Sadness

At first, I feel very sad. I’d rather this individual not smoke in my prescience. My therapist told me that I should tell others how I feel. I wish she was here to help me right now…

I consciously attempt to move out of this phase because I’m starting to feel like a pussy.

Emotion #2: Anger

Next, I begin to feel upset. I start to consider how selfish this question really is. I begin to wonder, Is this idiot trying to disrespect me? He/she must be. No person could be so fuckin stupid to think that this is “okay” for them to spit in my face.

Things (in my brain) are starting to heat up. Can I keep in control?

Emotion #3: Aggressive

My brain is now on fire and my body begins to tremble. Suddenly, I catch myself glancing around the room. Are there any sharp objects nearby? How will I escape?

Is this normal? I think to myself. Of course it is. This is what Darwin meant by survival of the fittest. The voices become stronger and now there’s little  hope of turning back.

Emotion #4: Acceptance

Suddenly, I get a hold of my emotions.  My eyes rid themselves of the bloody, bulging veins which seemed to carry with them the fury of a Spartan Warrior. I begin to realize that, although the schmuck standing before me may deserve a royal ass-whooping, I should just distance myself. Walk away, the voices say, walk away…

Stupid Questions Require Stupid Answers

If you’re ever short of an idea for an appropriate response to the world’s most idiotic question, try one of these. For your convenience, I’ve broken them down by situation:
A buddy you’ve known forever asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

Not at all scumbag. You’ve been asshole since the day I’ve met you. Go ahead and smoke and blow that shit right in my face. After all, I did sleep with your sister.

A pretty girl (whom you have not just had sex with) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

If by smoke you mean smoke my cock, then of course. But don’t expect me to call you when it’s done. I’m not into relationships, skank-ass.

A pretty girl (whom you just had sex with) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

Not at all. You can smoke. Just take your skanky little ass outside and do it. (Once she goes outside, lock the door behind her and don’t return her calls). It’s for her own good.

A man or woman with child asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I don’t, and neither does your soon-to-be asthmatic son. Then again, he probably won’t need his weak little lungs functioning correctly anyways. He’ll probably grow up to be just like you, douche-bag. And if you’re lucky, he too will pass lifelong lung problems on to his firstborn as well. Be proud of what you’re doing. Those silly doctors don’t know what they are talking about anyways.

A fat chic (link to fatty) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I’ll make you a deal, fatty. If you agree not to smoke that piece of shit in front of my face or anywhere close to me, I’ll buy you a fatty-burger and fatty-fries to shove in your fatty-face. For desert, you can blow my fatty cock. How’s that sound, pumpkin?

A nun asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

No sister, I don’t mind if you smoke. After all, you are a woman of the lord and all you do is holy, no matter how much it hurts the rest of us. If it was written in your little book, then you need not consider anything else.

Just about anyone else asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I’ll make you a deal. If you smoke that around me, you have to promise to finish it around me. And each time I smell your shitty, toxic smoke, I get to bitch slap you. You see, your punishment will come today. Mine, won’t come for many years. But you can sleep well at night knowing that you contributed to my ultimate demise.

Next time you’re on the receiving end of the world most dumbestest question, feel free to let the idiot on the other end of the conversation know exactly how stupid and inconsiderate they are. Please, help me to clean up America, one completely selfish moron at a time.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Using a public urinal can seem like a pretty simple task. It’s sort of like peeing outside except that your inside and you’re almost guaranteed to experience some splash back. Yet we are still thankful for this important invention. If it weren’t for the urinal, guys would be waiting in line for the bathroom just like the chicks we harass on our way to use it.

Despite years of practice and urinal experience, most of us still don’t understand proper urinal etiquette. It’s too bad that such a pleasant task can be ruined by the inappropriate behavior of other urinal-patrons. Today, I seek to clarify some of the unspoken rules which outline the proper use of a urinal. These apply to both men and women, so long as they are using the urinal in the men’s room. Please remember that restroom norms vary across cultures so slight adjustments to these policies may be necessary. When it doubt, don’t ask your fellow urinal patrons. That’s just creepy…

To begin, Wikipedia defines urinal as a specialized toilet used for urinating (only). For the most part, urinals are meant to be used while standing. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.

General Rules for Proper Urinal Usage
Usage: Urinals should only be used for urinating (see definition). Vomit, feces and other solid or semi-solid material should be saved for the toilet (which we’ll cover in future posts). These materials can clog the urinal and cause problems for other urnators.

Talking: Talking is usually socially acceptable in a urinal environment. However, conversation topic should be limited to small talk topics like chicks and sports. Save the bromance until you get back to the bar.

Spitting: Spitting is also accepted. It’s only natural to have a desire to spit while peeing into a urinal.

Eye contact: No. Definitely not.

Farting: Again, generally accepted. In fact, loud farts command praise from your urinal-buddies.

Cell phones: Cell phone conversation is usually okay. Just don’t get caught whispering sweet-nothings to the slut you are banging into the phone. That’s sort of creepy too.

Drinks: This is a personal call. It’s a pretty bad idea (germs) to bring drinks in the bathroom but sometimes it can better than the alternative.

Urinal Positioning and Configurations
Now, we’ll take a look at a few real life examples of urinal configurations. We’ll describe each configuration, particularly how the configuration will affect your urinal positioning.

The Straight Five Urinal Configuration

General comments: The Straight Five urinal configuration is a basic configuration where all five urinals are placed side by side. Since there are so many acceptable combinations, it’s fairly difficult to cause a problem in this scenario.
Difficulty level: Easy
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 and/or #5 is in use
Your move: Take #3
Scenario B: #2 or #4 is in use
Your move: Use #5 if #2 is in use and #1 if #4 is in use
Scenario C: #3 is in use
Your move: Use #1 or #5
Scenario D: #2 and #4 are in use
Your move: #1 and #5 are the only reasonable options. Using #3 would be rude.

The Two Urinal + Sink Configuration

General comments: Two urinals sit side-by-side with a wall on one end and a sink on the left. This configuration can be difficult for the urinal loser who stands adjacent to the sink.
Difficulty level: Medium-Hard
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 is in use
Your move: Use # 2 only if the stall is not available. Avoiding peeing in #2 when sink in use.
Scenario B: #2 is in use
Your move: Use of urinal #1 is acceptable
Scenario C: #1 and #2 are in use and your drunk and it’s late
Your move: Use of the sink is only acceptable if those around you are equally as drunk. Warning: Most people in the room will think that you’re a complete dick. Remember: It’s only okay to use the sink when it is this close to a urinal.

Outdoor Quad-Urinal Configuration

General comments: 4 urinals facing each other but separated by impermeable plastic wall. This is usually a challenging pee for those with stage fright. Otherwise, there’s something sickly pleasant about peeing in the middle of a crowded town-square.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on phobias
Scenarios
N/A. Anything goes in the situation.

The Dreaded Trough Urinal Configuration

General comments: A trough-shaped toilet capable of accommodating several peeing fools at one time. There are no established rules except to fend for yourself.
Difficulty level: Difficult
Scenarios:
N/A. When using a trough-style urinal, always avoid the drain spot. This is where the urine of all your peeing buddies will flow to. If you thought your own splash-back was bad, it can be worse. I’ve even been know to hold my pee until a non-drain spot became available. (Note: This action does not make you less of a man)

The WTF (what the fuck?) Urinal

General comments: Any configuration of toilets that is out of the ordinary. You can’t prepare for these so you have to go with gut instinct. Sometimes it’s best to wait for a stall to become available and skip the urinal all together.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on configuration.

Quick Tips for Urinating Success

• When unsure of proper etiquette, follow the lead of the most experience user. That’s right, do what the old guy is doing. Unless he’s really old and is doing things that would indicate loss of memory.
• No matter what, it’s never okay to ask for help.

To conclude this guide, I’ve located a couple of great videos on the topic. The views and opinions in these videos may or may not conform to the rules you’ve seen here. Still, I think these do a great job of expressing the main points.

Proper Urinal Eitiquette

Urinal Rules

The Great-Urinal Photo Gallery

Holy… Piss?

Stage fright

Hmmm..

Popularity: 44% [?]

Living in South Florida definitely has its advantages. One of the best parts of living here is the access to beautiful sandy beaches covered in palm trees and bordered by an ocean that provides some of the best waves on the planet. Weather-wise, today is a typical South Florida day, sunny and warm. The fact that I am writing this from my BlackBerry while my feet rest in the sand should tell you how much I love living here. Aside from the yearly hurricane threat that sometimes deals us a deadly blow, we are generally in perfect beach weather. However, for a short period each year (and as any basic science course will tell you, this is what happens during the winter months) we get a series of cold fronts from the north that shake everything up. For those few weeks a year when we get “taste of the Arctic” cold fronts, our 80F days drop all the way down to the 30s. Now please understand that I know it gets far worse for our neighbors to the north, but we are talking about South Florida.

Each and every year this happens, and with it comes the endless “SOUTH FLORIDA FREEZE” coverage from the big 4 local networks. The local news anchors pull out stock footage of people trading their sandals and tiny bikinis in for jeans and wool jackets, sometimes even gloves. Like clockwork, they always get an interview with some tourist from Quebec or New York that is swimming in the Atlantic (of course, they just came from below zero weather, 50F a fucking sauna compared to that) in a tiny Speedo with his gut and some of his junk hanging out. The most agonizing part of all this is not the cold weather keeping the hotties fully clothed or even the crazy guy from Quebec hanging out of his Speedo, it’s the local weather guy (Mr. Spray-On Tan) telling us how sorry he is for the weather. Now last time I checked, they reported the weather (attempted too is more like it) and were not responsible for making it. I understand they do this because they like to make the old folks and the tourists feel comfortable knowing that they hate the cold too, but all it serves to do to me is make me want to come down to the remote broadcast, punch the douchebag in the throat and then toss him in the Atlantic. The truly amusing part of this is watching the same guy that apologized for the cold weather complains about it being “too warm” outside when the cold lifts the following week. What? That makes no sense!

Maybe I am alone in despising these Junior College dropouts disguised as TV personalities/weathermen. Maybe my rant is nothing more than a self-serving piece of cannon fodder. But maybe…just maybe, someone will read this and do what I do, turn off the local news and get your weather elsewhere. Do me a favor…next time you spot your local weather guy spouting out some crap like this give him a piece of your mind. Down with the douchebag!

Popularity: 2% [?]

So it’s the middle of the week and you are stuck at home in the morning.  What else is there to do but channel surf through the mindless dribble that is weekday morning television.  I guess Springsteen had it right even back in the 80’s when there were only 57 channels and nothing on.  Then I come across the political drama The West Wing.  The story of a liberal president fighting for the American people against those evil conservatives.  Although annoying at times, it was and still is an amusing show so I stop searching and finally find something to watch.

So as I sit there, I realize it was an episode from towards the end of the show.  Having the godsend for tv tivo, I look up when it was originally aired and saw it was 2005.  Going back through my mind, I recall a certain person from Illinois starting to make some noise about that time.  As I sat there, one of the new characters is making his announcement to run for president, which of course includes his little speech about why.  And suddenly my jaw dropped as I listened to the speech.  I knew I had heard this somewhere before but couldn’t quite place it.  Then he said it’s time to put our partisan ways behind us to make a better future.  Then as he talks about kids going to the school he is outside of going in to glimpse their future and ask for hope.  He goes on to say they may not know they need it yet, but they do.

As I sit there open mouthed like a slack jawed yokel, I hear the last 2 years of speeches running through my head.  We need hope.  Hope is all we have.  Hope is not up for debate.  Hope can change the world.  Blah fucking blah blah.  I then realize that life truly does imitate art.  This last campaign is just the brainchild of Aaron Sorkin.  Apparently hollywood was more behind the campaigns than we realized.  If only I had listened to south park all those years ago and realized we truly are voting on either a turd sandwich or a douchebag.  That the American people are a bunch of retarded ADD morons willing to follow the bright shiny object to their overtaxed doom.  So I say to you president Santos of the west wing, you can keep your hope.  Your show ended after only a season of your hope.  I guess it can’t save everything.  Maybe in a couple of years, the American people will realize they have been had, been took, been hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Led astray. Run amok.  Then the pendulum will swing back like it did in the 90’s and we can get out of the crap we are in now. Government cannot save us, it can only hinder us.  Try to remember that instead of pretty speeches with nothing to say.

Popularity: 11% [?]