In Chin Deep

So it’s March Madness time and that means two things for guys around the nation. Gambling and bracketology.  Now to those females out there that do not understand either term, most likely you fail to realize the stress this time can bring.  Often times there are multiple betting pools we will be involved in and this all but consumes us for the next few weeks.  Typically at least one of the pools will be an office related one, which adds another level of office stress that just is not needed.  So at this time, we offer you this quick tutorial in understanding men’s language that you can apply not just now, but year round.

Fine:  When asking about how your day was and it’s a quick “Fine!” that means it sucked and we sure as hell don’t want to talk about it.  Whether it was our boss being an asshole or jimmy in the mail department that just took the lead in the office pool, we do not want to relive the hellish experience.  However, if it is used at the end of an argument, it means fine, fuck you, I’m done dealing with this shit now!  More often than not it will be shouted because we know you understand better when we yell.

Five Minutes:  Five minutes in basketball, or most any sport, can mean anywhere from 10-30 minutes. It all depends on the amount of penalties and fouls called and tv timeouts taken.  While it can seem like a long amount of your time, for us it’s still only five minutes left in the game.  When dealing with leaving the house however, five  minutes means five minutes.  You need to adjust your time to get dressed based upon the original scheduled time of departure.  This means you do not try on ten different tops right before walking out the door just to go to dinner at Chili’s.

Nothing:  While similar to fine, it means it is a little more complex than simply falling behind in the pool.  Often times it means we bet a little more than we should have in our offshore accounts and are debating is it better to flee the country or cash in some family member’s life insurance policy.  The rest of the year, it means that whatever shit we are dealing with, we do not need to know what you think, nor your pain in the ass mom, or you bitter single friends that hate men would do.  As far as we are concerned, you can all choke on your help.  We are men and can figure this shit out on our own.

Yeah thanks:  Often times this will be the response when you ask if we would like you to go out with your friends. It will often be a very curt reply and will be our signal for you to leave us the fuck alone so we can enjoy the game.  Other times though, while having similar usage, it will be directed towards you pointing out how you did something for us that either we could have done ourselves or did not want done at all.  If you get a “Yeah, sure, thanks”  that means we are pissed off and you need to shut up about it now or we’re gone for the day to the golf course and driving range with our buddies.  And if you really pissed us off, then drinking all night with them.

Whatever:  This one is used when arguing and means I’m stopping this now because I know I am right but you’ll never grasp that.  This will often be the ending of an argument, much like Fine, but used only when we know we are right.  As we typically are right in the arguments, you will be more apt to hearing this from us. It can be used in all types of arguments, be it about why this game is important to watch or why you need to just be quiet and let me finish whatever project I am working on.

Although we understand this is a short list of vocabulary, we wanted to make sure that you ladies would be able to fully understand and maybe learn some of these words.  We are aware that it can be difficult for you to understand that you do not know everything and it can make learning hard for you.  While we let this information seep into those rather thick skulls of yours, we will be working on yet another set of vocabulary words for you in the coming weeks.  It is our hope here that you will eventually be able to understand us men and in doing so make not only our lives easier, but your lives too.  We do care about you women and want to do all we can to help you out in life.  Because let’s face it, in the end it is still all about making men’s lives easy.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Spring is in the air and that can only mean one thing if you are in Florida.  It’s time for spring training.  Now to the average baseball fan, this may seem like a great thing, but if   you live here, it sucks.  First the waves of pain in the ass northerners start to fly down.  With a lot of midwest teams coming down here, we get those pale obese fucks flocking here like fatties to the fried twinkie booth at the local fair.  They clog the roads and restaurants for little over a month that is pure hell for locals.  Now normally I would bitch about these fucks and how they annoy me, but something more pisses me off this season.  The fucktard millionaires playing the game and acting like little bitches.

Before the season even started, there was the fallout from the steroid usage happening in the league.  First I gotta say, what the fuck are they doing?  How, in this day and age can you be so absolutely obtuse and think you can get away with using them?  The advances in drug testing have come a long way since the 80’s when everyone was just shooting up in the locker room.  You have fathead Barry Bonds saying it was just some cream he was using.  So because some specialist says use this cream, it’s gonna help you recover you will?  At that rate I could jerk off in a tube and say hey, this will help you recover quicker and make a thousand bucks.  Then we have A-rod, with obligatory yankees sucks!!!!!  How the hell do you honestly expect anyone to believe that you didn’t know what you were using.  When you had to have something shipped in from that third world cesspool called the Dominican Republic because it’s not sold here, that should be a clue momo.  Although I guess if you think with your dick all the time, the shrinkage from the roids could affect your intelligence level.  Now I know A-rod is not the only roid idiot out there.  There are many others out there who are going to live the rest of their life with a baby dick and fat head.  But let’s face it, the yankees suck and anytime you can get the fluffer of Jeter in trouble, it’s a good day.

Now while steroids are an issue, I find it less problematic than other things within baseball.  If these big headed morons want to juice up and destroy their bodies, it’s their choice.  If they get caught, then whatever laws they have broken then they will have to deal with whatever celebrity justice is served to them.  I’m more pissed off at the salaries these jackholes get and then complain they aren’t getting enough.  Let’s first go back to A-rod, cause let’s face it, he seems to just garner controversy with a lot of things.  His giant inflated salary hardly seems plausible.  Forget the astronomical amount of over a quarter of a billion dollars, what has he done to deserve it?  Yes, he is awesome in May and the talk begins is this the year he finally does good the whole season?  Then sometime after the all-star break, he starts to slide down like a gay man in a San Francisco bathhouse.  Then in August, cause they can’t even get into the playoffs anymore, the guy chokes harder than Jeter does going down on him in the locker room showers.  Every year it’s like clockwork.  When they need his skills the most, he chokes.  Really earning that salary he signed.

Now in this off season, there was Manny Ramirez of the dodgers.  Like a whiney little bitch in previous seasons, he wanted the big money he thought he deserves.  Now I will agree the guy is damn good and can definitely affect a team in a positive way.  His performance last season with the dodgers proves that.  However, that still does not mean he can act like a whiney little bitch.  When you first look at how he got to the dodgers, it’s enough to make you want to take a bat to his knees.  Because he wasn’t getting the contract he wanted, he basically shut down playing for a season because he wanted to be traded.  When you have already made tens of millions of dollars, how the fuck can you complain about a 3-5 million dollar difference.  When you are playing a damn kids sport for a job, you should be happy getting even the league minimum of $100,000.  That is for doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the bench the entire season, not getting into even one game as a pinch hitter or pinch runner.  The average salary is over 3 million and even that is more than enough to live comfortably on for years.  These prissy little players that will take a day off because of a hangnail, how the hell can you say you’re working tough and earning that money.  Get out there and if you’re lucky play your eight months of baseball and shut the hell up.  You already get at least four months off, and if you suck, you are rewarded with even more time off.

So I say this to you, the whiney, prissy, little bitches that play baseball.  Don’t bitch to us about how you’re not being paid enough.  You are getting more than you are worth.  Only having two Bentley’s instead of three is not a life altering problem that should affect your playing.  Get out there and play and appreciate that you are being paid for simply playing a kid’s game.  You are living the American dream, so shut the hell up.  If you keep bitching, I hope at some point you fall in the locker room and have a broken splintered bat shoved up your ass.  You deserve nothing less if you start talking contract negotiations during the season.  When I pay $50 for a ticket and then another $30 for a beer and hot dog, you better be hustling your ass around the diamond.  If not, be prepared to be heckled.  I will make you my bitch from the stands by the end of the game. That is my right and I will surely use it.  And no conversation about baseball would be complete without ending it with this nationally appreciated line.

YANKEES SUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

Popularity: 80% [?]

We’ve all seen them out there.  They disgust you at the gym.  They make you want to break your beer bottle over their head at the bar.  When you’re at a football game, you want to just punch them in the chest so they shut up.  Who is this mystery person that causes nothing but hatred.  It’s that old guy that is grasping to his last bit of youth that he believes is still there.  You know who I’m talking, the douchebag that goes back to the frat house homecoming weekend to relive the glory days.  We all know someone like this, and God help you if you are one of these guys.  To help those out there who are scratching their slowly balding head wondering if they fit into this category, we’ll break down a few of the typical guys.  Also, if you are stuck being near these guys, we’ll give some tips on dealing with them when possible.

The first guy we’ll discuss is the creepy old guy at the gym. There are a few ways to tell if you fall into this category.  First off, if you wear those parachute pants that were popular in the late 80’s and early 90’s that every wrestler wore, this is a clear sign.  Most likely you will have an old school muscle shirt on and it will be tucked in.  Generally they can be seen in the free weight area and spending most of their time looking in the mirror.  The sad part is what they see in the mirror rarely reflects reality.  The following should illustrate this point.  Often times they will travel in packs, so ladies beware.  Avoid any eye contact or they will take that as a sign of interest and will hound you the rest of the time you are there.  If they try to but into your set, simply max out your weight and let them try to lift it.  Nine times out of ten they will struggle and leave without a word

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The next area you can find these guys at are the bars and clubs.  Here they tend to stick out rather easily.  Often times they have those horrible fake tans.  The haircut of the moment that they see in movies and on tv.  Often times they will have on shirts that no straight man would wear, but they saw something like it in Maxim so they thought it was cool.  Often times they will migrate towards the vip section in an attempt to show they have money to make up for their age and receding hair lines.  Typically these are the most creepy ones you’ll find.  The age difference between the guys and the women they are trying to impress will vary between 25-35 years.  They tend to act like assholes and try way too hard to impress the ladies.  Often times, while under the influence of alcohol and the belief he is 30 years younger, one will try and start a fight.  It’s best to ignore, or better yet, laugh at them and take whatever ladies are with them outside and bang in your car.

Next we come to the old jock that still thinks he can play.  Most of the time he played a few years in high school, maybe made it to some college, and then faded away.  Most likely he will be in the stadium parking lot as soon as it opens setting up to tailgate.  He’ll have his old jersey on or some sort of stupid costume on.  Often times they will carry signs with them to draw more attention to themselves.  

This is their way of letting the whole section he is sitting know just how big an asshole he is. Now some mix of classic rock will be blaring and plenty of beer will be on hand for him to get piss drunk on before the game.  Now normally that may not sound too bad, until you factor in the stories of I can still play bullshit.  This inevitably leads to running the old plays through the parking lot.  If he’s lucky he will only hurt himself by tripping or running into a light post.  Sadly though, often times he will hit a car with his errant pass, crash into either a bbq or table covered in food, or run into a car.  If you time it right though, a leg out to trip as he runs by or bending down to grab something and coming up to lay a shoulder into them can often times solve the problem.  The other upside is if their team loses, you can watch them break down.

Now what does this teach us?  That there will always be dumb assholes out there trying to cling to their youth.  They will not be able to grow up and will be forever stuck in that frat boy or even worse high school mentality.  I say enjoy your youth while you have it, but as you get older don’t be afraid of it, embrace it.  Go from pounding beers and shots to enjoying that $100 plus bottle of scotch and hand rolled cigars.  Realize you can still impress without looking like a fucking moron.  Refine and hone these skills and you can still get the women you want.  The big difference will be that they will stay with you rather than get some free drinks only to leave when the bar closes for the night.  And if you can’t, then don’t bitch when I drop a shoulder into you at the game or someone calls you gay at the bar.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Most people have a place that they go to for escape from stress. Some people have the beach, the library, or even the movies.  Others hire a dominatrix to beat the shit out of them…sickos (no judgment). Me? Well, I choose to get rid of my stress the healthy way. I like to go to the gym and tax my body to the point that I completely forget the reason why I was so stressed out. I can spend anywhere from 1 to 2 hours a day at the gym. It makes the stress melt away. However, there is a way to completely destroy the rejuvenating effects of working out…and that is being around other people that do not know how to behave at the gym. When you walk into most gyms, almost all, you will see a sign telling you about proper gym etiquette and attire. Those rules are great, but I am talking about the rules that aren’t on those boards…the unspoken rules of the gym.

First, the gym is a place to work out…and possibly pick up girls with self-esteem problems…not a place to chit-chat with your buddies about your latest acquisition so that you can feel better about your tiny penis. It’s amazing how many fucks go to the gym just to talk about their new car or job instead of actually working out. My favorite is the plethora of bad stock tips and lofty business ideas. I absolutely love when you catch one of these morons going on and on about a “sure thing” they heard about from their “insider” contact and then you find them leaving the gym in a 1990 Honda Civic with a “Living the Dream” bumper sticker pasted on the back. I do not mind small-talk, but if you want to boast about the shit you have or have in imagination land, then go elsewhere. Do your sets and shut up! I need to use that machine, asshole.

Second, allow for breathing room between machines. This is kind of like urinal etiquette (Urinal Etiquette), but not as awkward. Now keep in mind that this really only applies to when there are many open machines available. Let’s say that you are working out at the gym and there are a bunch of treadmills open. You grab a machine that has the perfect view of CNN and that girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts that say “Go Local College or Sports Team.” You have your ideal spot, you are working out, and you are in the zone…just then…some fucktard decides that none of the other dozen machines are good enough, and he/she wants to use the one right next to you. I guess you could take this as a complement, but 9 times out of 10, the person looks like they are missing a couple chromosomes. Don’t invade my personal space. Use one of the other open machines, you creepy fuck!

Third, don’t sing along to the music! The music is played so that you can work out long and hard…not so you can show everyone that you would like to be on American Idol. I remember having to put up with this one guy that loved to sing and dance along to his walkman that contained the best hits of Christina Aguilera and Celine Dion. He was a fit guy, apparently from the singing and dancing more than the lifting and running, so he was actually there work out. I am not going to lie to you. The first time I saw this guy singing while working out, I thought it was really fracking funny. However, after seeing it so many times, it really began to grow old. I was starting to use it as motivation to get through my sets so I could move to another part of the gym. Rule of thumb, if you feel the urge to sing then fight it!

Fourth, no spitting in the drinking fountain. Seriously, do you actually need someone to tell you not to do this? You are a total asshole to do this. There really is not much else to add on this one. If you do this, then you need to be pushed into traffic while fully handcuffed.

Fifth, put some fucking clothes on! You finished drying off from your shower over thirty minutes ago. I do not need to see your bait and tackle dangling near any part of me. No, this doesn’t stem from some latent homophobia or the fact that my childhood friend use to surprise me and my other friends with “naked time” during sleepovers. It’s a plain and simple courtesy, douchebag! Go elsewhere if you want to be an exhibitionist.

Shower with the curtain closed! Most gyms, at least mine, have separate shower stalls with curtains. The curtains are placed in each shower stall for a reason..for PRIVACY! The last thing I need to see while I head to the shower to rinse off is you working your frackin’ pole with a bottle of Axe body wash for freaks. The only thing I want to see doing that is the girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts from the second rule I mentioned.

All in all, remember the real purpose of the gym.  Its for working out and getting healthy. Its also a place to release stress. So stay the fuck away, freaks! And to the girl in the grey boyshorts and tiny white top…you can use the treadmill to my right, anytime!

Popularity: 10% [?]