In Chin Deep

Last week the movie girls have been waiting three whole long months since it was in theaters to come out on DVD was released.  I’m talking about none other than the movie about a non-showering vampire and the love struck idiot human girl, aka Twilight.  Now I will preface that I have not seen the movie.  I attempted to watch a downloaded version, but I could not get beyond 15 minutes without hating every person I saw.  However, on a very boring day, and I mean really fucking boring, I took 4 hours to read the book.  I have to say after reading the book, I could not figure out the hype over this story.  To say the least, women just became that much more self-contradicting based on their love of this novel.  

Now let’s take a look at this novel.  It’s based around some chick that moves into some backwoods hick town in the northwest.   Now of course, a story can’t be good without her feeling out of place and alone.  She tries to fit in, meets a few of the local townsfolk, and in an awkward way makes some friends.  Of course there are others that are outsiders, but they don’t care about the locals and she falls for one of them.  Yada yada yada, finds out they are vampires, she still loves the guy.  Next, she forsakes any dignity by throwing herself at him and giving up any other friends and family for him.  Next he uses this to control her and makes her give up talking to the one semi-normal friend she has left.  In the end, she almost gets killed by one vampire, saved by another, proving in her twisted mind vampires are good and she no longer wants to be human, give up her family and friends to be one, and the story ends.  

So where does this story lead us, why to the obvious conclusion.  That for all the talk about being being their own person, wanting to not have to depend on men, in the end women still just want to be controlled.  I can’t recall reading a story that was more blatant about making a woman seem so weak without a man.  Now while I find this highly amusing, what’s even more amusing is that women fawn all over this character like he’s the new Romeo.   Are they really and truly that stupid to not realize how fucked up this story is.  I guess this is why we will always have such wonderful television such as Maury and “why I won’t leave my baby’s daddy even though he beats me” episodes.  Of course this will have to go between paternity episodes and “which of these 5 guys is the father of the slut’s baby”. 

  The idea that this is about unrequited love is just as bad a story as the women with two black eyes, because she didn’t learn the first time, accidentally fell down the stairs in her one story home.  So again, I guess this leads us all back to the same idea. Women are confused and need men to help them live a fulfilling life apparently.  As the character Bella made apparently clear, she was nothing without Edward, her life was pointless without men.  So go forth men and use this lesson wisely.  Women need you, whether they admit it or not.  Their lives are empty and meaningless without you.  Use this well, but just make sure you’re not one of the 5 candidates on the next episode of who’s my baby’s daddy.  

Popularity: 36% [?]

Ok, so we have all been through it or will go through it at some point.  Eventually everyone experiences the passing of a friend into the death that is better known as marriage.  Now I know the women out there will not appreciate hearing that, but tough titties, that’s just how it is.  No longer will the best bud be there for the weekends of drunken debauchery at a moments notice.  No longer will they be able to hang out and watch the game every week.  Their weekends will consist of trips to your local home improvement store.  Maybe if they are feeling adventurous, they will make a side trip to starbucks on their way to Bed Bath and Beyond.  This is just the beginning, because once kids are involved, then you may as well ditch the guy’s number.  Unless you want to hit on bitter divorced moms at Chuck E Cheese or whatever other local kid jailhouse you can drop the reprobates off at for some free time.  Of course though, this does have one redeeming aspect as the ending of a normal friendship.  The two words that all fiances fear and loathe…Bachelor Party!!.

Recently I was partaking in one of these final send offs and had something happen that was unexpected and very unnerving.  As we all know, bachelor parties always end up at strip clubs.  They always have, always will, it’s just one of the laws of nature.  So we ended up at one of the fine local gentlemen clubs in the area for a night of drunkenness and titties.  We get there and are taken to the vip section, cause that’s how we roll.  We have a bevy of ladies stopping by to provide some minimal conversation and sit on our laps.  Of course some get our attention more than others.  Like the Cuban named Isabella, or the typical Mandy, Sierra, Lexxie, or Nikki.  As the night progresses, we all go off and get lapdances.  Depending on the woman depends on how long we were getting one.  Some women just deserved getting a longer dance than others.  Eventually the alcohol kicks in and the money rolls out quicker.

So I’m sitting there just chilling when Crystal decides my lap is a good place to sit down and relax.  She was a pretty good looking brunette with a tight little body.  So she starts talking telling me about how she’s working her way through college.  I know, what a big fucking surprise, the stripper working her way through school.  Then I hear how life isn’t always fair cause look a her, she’s a stripper.  Next she goes on to tell me about what she’s had to drink for the night and can she just sit on my lap for a while cause she’s tired of dancing.  Since the music was relatively loud I could drown her out and just chill.   Eventually, I say I want a dance and she leads me to the back.  We get to the back room and she starts doin her thing.  She’s grinding her ass up on me and stickin her titties in my face like a good stripper does.  Then things start to go wrong.  At first she straddles me and as she is grinding I start to feel a tugging on my ear.  Then I realize not only is she nibbling my ear, but I feel the snake like movements of her tongue flicking my ear.  Due to the massive amounts of alcohol, I don’t really think about the level of disgustingness that truly is at the time.  God only knows where the hell that tongue had been before and it’s best to not think about it.  Now of that was the worst of it, I could deal with that.  Nothing that some industrial cleaning solvent and multiple showers couldn’t cure.  But, that wasn’t it.  The horror didn’t end there.

She kept going and doing her thing.  After a minute, I realize she had slid down between my legs.  Now any guy would of course think all right, this is gonna get interesting.  Mentally I’m already thinking “Dear Penthouse, you’ll never guess what happened to me at the strip club last night.”  So she’s doing her thing all the while peter the purple yogurt slinger is still in my jeans.  Now after about a minute of her grinding, I suddenly feel some pressure that doesn’t seem right.  I look down and see her biting down on peter through my jeans.  As soon as I feel it happening, the pressure went away.  So of course I’m thinking I just imagined it.  Having been drinking for a few hours, the alcohol can sometimes make things happen in my mind that in reality did not.  So I relax and let her keep going.  But then I feel the pressure again.  It was at this time I realized what was happening.  She was biting down on my dick through my jeans.  I was being attacked by a half drunk stripper on who knows what drugs.  Thankfully the song was ending when I realized what the bitch was doing.  I guess the biting of the ear should have been my first clue.  If I had agreed for another dance, I can only imagine what the whore would have done.  She might have just chomped down and tried to bite it off.  Now after this close call, it made me realize something.  Strippers are coke heads, drinkers, and fiends.  And one night they may just go off crazier than usual.  Then you will not only end up with scars, but possibly a stump.

How many times have you had the stripper grind up on you only to slam down a 10 inch stiletto heel mere inches away from your special friend.  Instead, she gets your leg.  Not enough to bleed, but enough to leave a nice mark for your wife or girlfriend to see in the morning.  Now, after leaving the club, I not only had the reek of stripper on me, but I had a new fear instilled in me.  I learned that strippers attack.  One thing I am glad about though is that this was not a private stripper hired to perform at a suite or house.  Had she done it there, it may have looked like Kobe Tai in that scene from the movie Very Bad Things.  That ho would have been slammed up on a door hook as I threw her off me.  So this has lead me to the following realization.  Strippers are whores that are a cocaine sniff away from attacking you at any moment.  When you feel anything unusual happening down there, don’t be afraid to grab her and pull her off you.  You could be saving your future children by doing this,  So when dealing with strippers remember these few facts.  They are money grubbing whores there simply to take your money.  They are most often filled with cocaine, alcohol, and any other drugs they can get their hands on.  And finally, strippers are soulless dead on the inside creatures roaming the face of the earth.  The will attack without warning and without caution.  Stay away!!  If you come in contact though, throw a $20 on the ground and run when they pick it up.  I guess the bloodhound gang said it best, “The lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying.”

Popularity: 16% [?]

On a recent night out of drinking, as it so often does, meeting women at a bar was brought up into the discussion.  Now of course we all have our own views of those we meet at a bar and where it may lead.  More often than not it is someone that we would enjoy for the night, and maybe a few more after, but that’s about it.  It is generally accepted that bars and clubs are meant for short term hookups as we travel down the path of life.  Typically men are the ones that have to work to get a girl.  Buying drinks for them and any friends they are with is a given.  Slowly breaking the chosen one from the pack as the night progresses is almost an art form.  The problem though is that as men, we don’t realize what we are truly up against.  It’s not just the ugly friend that doesn’t want to go home alone while you bang the shit out of her girlfriend, but an entire secret society of fatties and ugly friends working against us.

Recently, an operative of this esteemed site brought to our attention the secret underworld of the women’s bathroom.  The common practice of going in pairs has just been accepted, but never truly questioned.  Is there more to this than we realize?  Based on this new startling evidence, there just may be.  We have learned that not only is there the typical girl talk about what guy they should talk to, but an entire network literally written out to screw guys over.  It is worse than we ever thought possible.  However, based on the writings, we can break down a reasonable defense that takes minimal effort and still keeps you in the game.

First we will address one of the easiest ones.  This one typically will be used by the strong business woman that feels she will never get ahead because she is a woman.  You can almost always spot her at happy hour as the woman in the ant suit outfit and often with a short haircut.  She wants to be like Hillary Clinton but is not willing to have members of her staff killed to protect her rise to power.  These packs can be dangerous to break apart but it can be done.  The best strategy is to wait for one to break from the pack to get a drink.  Don’t move over too far at the bar for her to get her order and you just subtly hinted you see her as an equal.  This initial hint allows you to comment about the time it takes for drinks or some other pointless banter.  Either way, you just made her feel like more than the typical piece of ass at happy hour and have a way in.  Or this could just be put there from the fat pissed of ugly friend.

This next one is a little tougher but still workable.  There are two types that can fall into this category.  The true gold diggers, which should just be avoided unless you are pulling in 7-8 figures a year or the Starbucks drinking, Chanel or any other expensive brand name sunglasses wearing, fake Louis bag woman.  If it is the latter of the two, it may cost a little, but with some effort you’ll be giving her your own white mocha latte.  As usual, they will be in a pack, usually 2-3.  Often times they like to pretend they are those annoying bitches from sex and the city drinking their martinis and talking about their last designer bullshit item they bought or last guy they had.  With this group the key is all about timing and placement.  If you can get a table near them, half the battle is over. Simply order some over priced bottle and make it loud enough for them to hear.  This should grab their attention.  When the bottle gets there, say you guys don’t want to drink it all yourselves and invite them to join in.  Make a point to ask if they want refills on their drinks and make sure it’s top shelf.  Eventually they can see the tab adding up and will be impressed.  Yes, they usually are that easy to impress.  It just becomes a matter of divide and conquer.  Now if this fails, then they are true gold diggers and you want to just walk away.  Or it was just another case of the fat ugly friend striking again.

This kind of chic is pretty simple, but it comes with a couple of prerequisites.  First you must have at least one dog, minimum 25 pounds, or if you’re a tool and have cats, you must have 2 and a good story for them.  The woman often is a big animal lover and typically big hearted.  They are not always the easiest to spot but just think midwestern type that has yet to be defiled.  That of course is your job.  Often times it won’t take long for the subjects of pets to come up with these types.  Simply say you got the dog from the pound cause you believe in saving a dog rather than supporting puppy mills.  If this doesn’t make her start to undress you with her eyes, then more than likely it’s the fat ugly friend striking again.

This last one is the toughest to deal with and often times is pointless.  Typically the girl will be out of a recent relationship, usually long term.  This will also be the largest and meanest pack that you will have to come against.  All the claws will be out and they will rebuff just about any attempts.  This is best attempted with at least 2-3 wingmen, and depending on the pack, maybe more.  The main goal is to be next to hear within 15 minutes.  If you can get at least 1 laugh within 3 minutes, her defense is down.  This is when taking psych 101 will come in handy. Let her talk a little about the breakup.  Give the periodic nod along with a “oh I’m so sorry” or “what a heartless creep”.  Basic sympathy will go along way.  Keep this up for a while and eventually the other friends will have less control and she will be yours for the taking.  Of course, all of this could come crashing down with our favorite person. The fat ugly friend may take her off to the bathroom and remind her she is too good for you, just like her ex.  This will require a major sacrifice from one of the wingmen.  He must keep the fat ugly friend engaged to prevent her running interference otherwise it’s game over.  If you can actually get her though, it will be some of the best hardcore, rough, pull the hair, screaming vengence sex you will experience.

Of course there are other types out there that can affect you, so you must always be ready.  The real lesson here though is pretty simple.  Fat ugly friends are the kryptonite for any guy at the bar.  Even when they are not there, they have designed a network across women’s bathrooms to still continue their reign of ugly terror.  They are the curse of men everywhere.  Forget Al-qaeda, they are the real threat to society.  Unfortunately there is not much we can do except plan ahead to deal as best we can.  And of course, as the last resort, you can always keep buying food for them to shovel in their fat mouths so they can’t talk and hopefully choke.  Good luck and Godspeed.

Popularity: 14% [?]

The day that men have come to fear is almost here.  After months of watching football, drinking beer, and eating wings, it has been decided that this is the day to make up for it.  Who decided on this day? History has not been quite clear on this matter, however I believe it may be a mix of the greeting card people and chocolate makers of the world.  In a bid to fill the winter void between the Christmas and Easter sales, something had to be done.  So what did they do?  They decide to take a random day in the shortest month and say this is when you should show you love someone.  This display of course means buying that someone a card and chocolate.  And thus the horror known as Valentine’s day has evolved.

But let us take a look into history and see how love has been shown on this day.  Going back to the dark ages, the Bavarians, with a penchant for killing people, decide to burn to death 2000 jewish people in Strasbourg in 1349.  400 years later, the Hawaiians, apparently as a preemptive strike for being associated with Don Ho, decide to kill Captain James Cook.  And yes I said Cook, not Hook.

Just 150 years later, we see the wonderful religion of the Mormons have their first meeting.  And after watching the Southpark episode on their history, we all know how great that worked out.  Now supposedly they claim Texas was linked to the rest of the U.S. on this date by telegraph.  Apparently that is as close to connecting with the rest of the nation that they could handle.  They still appear to like living in that time period, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Now onto the 20th century.  Starting off right from the beginning in southern Africa, the Second Boer War started.  After a few years, over 75,000 people died in this war between the British and South Africans.  And we all know how great that freedom turned out during apartheid.  In 1929 the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre occurred in Chicago.  Six gangsters were killed in this bloody ambush setup by the gang of Al Capone.  By far this has been one of the more memorable events in recent history.  And if the mob doesn’t think much of valentine’s day, you know it has to be bad.

As for these short years of the 21st century, we already have some wonderful memories of this love filled day.  A water park collapses in Russia killing 25 people in 2004.  A double whammy in 2005 with the Lebanese prime minister assassinated along with a terrorist attack in the Philippines killing 7.  And just last year, a shooting that occurred on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

So what does this recount of history show us?  That Valentine’s day brings nothing but death and misery.  That no matter what men may try to do, history shows we are doomed on this day.  And the truly sad part is that it shows us apparently OJ’s way of loving is the right way.  As he said, over and over again, if he was guilty of anything, it was of loving her too much.

Popularity: 25% [?]