Recently in the news there has been something that has not been mentioned in many years. Boats have been fighting battles on the high seas again, but not quite like how we are used to imagining. The pirates of today are a bunch of starvin marvins, most notably sitting off the coast of Somalia in crappy little boats. Now to the average American, the idea of pirates attacking anything seems laughable, especially when you say African pirates. How can a bunch of people most known for their stereotypes of living in mud huts, chucking spears, and making special guest appearances on the various late night Christian infomercials begging you to help feed a child be pirates? Apparently the showmanship and level of piracy has taken a backseat to basic raiding now.
With this in mind, we shall now delve into the world of pirates and explore the various incarnations pirates have made over the last few centuries. The first type we will look at is the pirate everyone thinks of when they hear the word. Of course we are talking about the Caribbean pirates of days gone by. Now Disney made an amusing look at pirates in recent years, with a definite nod to the showmanship we all have come to appreciate. The over the top characters, the stretching the arrrrrrghs, and the somewhat flamboyant extravagancies of some of the pirates. This flamboyance will be discussed later so be prepared for that attack. Living in south Florida, I’ve heard the stories of people still being attacked by pirates today, especially when making runs to the Bahamas. The pirates of the Caribbean of today though use fast speedboats, heavy guns, and disappear as quickly as they appear. They are known more for taking boats and leaving the people stranded to float in the seas until they die, that is if they don’t kill them right away. Unlike like their African brethren, they are less into ransom and more into plunder with the occasional taking of the booty.
Now we move eastward to the coasts of northeast Africa. For years the problem of pirates has been an issue for trade vessels. Looking at history, the Barbary coast has been notorious for pirates and other various dirty seaman to traverse. Attacks have been a given for trade ships for years, and with it being Africa, obviously there is very little in the way of Johnny law to control what is going on. In boats that would make a Cuban refugee floating to America nervous, they have somehow managed the ability to come alongside massive cargo ships and take control. Once they have control, they negotiate a ransom for the release of the crew, they get back into their floating driftwood and head for the beautiful sunny shores of Africa. Recently we have seen in the news the awesome sniping of some of these pirates by American naval troops. This display of power hopefully means that we are going to start looking into the dealing with pirates in a more direct and violent manner more befitting to their acts.
Now we take a look at the pacific, where the Asian pirates have really taken off. They not only take over a ship, but they will repaint it, rename it, and sail it into a port to have the cargo they stole offloaded. Leave it to the Asians to be the organized and well thought out of all the pirates. Their cutthroat real estate business dealings of the 80’s and 90’s shows how good they are at taking over foreign goods and simply making it a part of their own with minimal notice. The Asian pirates of course are also some of the most brutal. They will not hesitate in killing the crew and dumping their bodies over the side. Now of course being Asian, they are doing this to chum the waters for sharks. Let’s face it, if you can also increase the amount of shark fins you can get to sell from a few dead bodies, why not.
Another pirate we will look at from the pacific can be found along the northern coast of California. The butt pirates of San Francisco are some of the most feared pirates in the world. They do not go after ships, they simply plunder booty. They will attack you without warning and in ways you never thought possible. Their version of a gang plank will strike fear in even the most murderous and bloodthirsty pirates. What makes the butt pirate even more dangerous is rarely are they found on water. Instead they are land pirates, looking to invade every cavern they can find. So beware if you ever go west to cover your poop deck or they just might make a raid on you.
Now all this talk of pirates may make you wonder what are we doing about them. Sadly, very little is being done. The fact that U.S. troops finally engaged some of them off of Africa was amazing. Sadly it was only because it was a U.S. crew did we get involved. Considering the next day a French and Greek ship were taken control shows there is little fear by the pirates for a possible retaliation. Hopefully though, we will start taking this more serious. The idea that pirates are able to attack ships so easily does not bode well for U.S. interests, and also many other foreign interests too. So it is here that I offer a simple solution. Next time they take a ship, we kill them. If they choose to do it again, we kill those pirates too. If they still continue, we go into their ports and blow them the fuck out of the water. We can even get a little old fashion with this too. We save a few pirates and hang them in various ports along the coast. They can serve as warnings to what happens if you try to attack a ship. And just to really piss them off, we can have some nautical speakers by the bodies playing that great song by Kansas ”Dust In the Wind” on a continuous loop.
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