In Chin Deep

Recently in the news there has been something that has not been mentioned in many years.  Boats have been fighting battles on the high seas again, but not quite like how we are used to imagining.  The pirates of today are a bunch of starvin marvins, most notably sitting off the coast of Somalia in crappy little boats.  Now to the average American, the idea of pirates attacking anything seems laughable, especially when you say African pirates.  How can a bunch of people most known for their stereotypes of living in mud huts, chucking spears, and making special guest appearances on the various late night Christian infomercials begging you to help feed a child be pirates?  Apparently the showmanship and level of piracy has taken a backseat to basic raiding now.

With this in mind, we shall now delve into the world of pirates and explore the various incarnations pirates have made over the last few centuries.  The first type we will look at is the pirate everyone thinks of when they hear the word.  Of course we are talking about the Caribbean pirates of days gone by.  Now Disney made an amusing look at pirates in recent years, with a definite nod to the showmanship we all have come to appreciate.  The over the top characters, the stretching the  arrrrrrghs, and the somewhat flamboyant extravagancies of some of the pirates.  This flamboyance will be discussed later so be prepared for that attack. Living in south Florida, I’ve heard the stories of people still being attacked by pirates today, especially when making runs to the Bahamas.  The pirates of the Caribbean of today though use fast speedboats, heavy guns, and disappear as quickly as they appear.  They are known more for taking boats and leaving the people stranded to float in the seas until they die, that is if they don’t kill them right away.  Unlike like their African brethren, they are less into ransom and more into plunder with the occasional taking of the booty.

Now we move eastward to the coasts of northeast Africa.  For years the problem of pirates has been an issue for trade vessels.  Looking at history, the Barbary coast has been notorious for pirates and other various dirty seaman to traverse.  Attacks have been a given for trade ships for years, and with it being Africa, obviously there is very little in the way of Johnny law to control what is going on.  In boats that would make a Cuban refugee floating to America nervous, they have somehow managed the ability to come alongside massive cargo ships and take control.  Once they have control, they negotiate a ransom for the release of the crew, they get back into their floating driftwood and head for the beautiful sunny shores of Africa.  Recently we have seen in the news the awesome sniping of some of these pirates by American naval troops.  This display of power hopefully means that we are going to start looking into the dealing with pirates in a more direct and violent manner more befitting to their acts.

Now we take a look at the pacific, where the Asian pirates have really taken off.  They not only take over a ship, but they will repaint it, rename it, and sail it into a port to have the cargo they stole offloaded.  Leave it to the Asians to be the organized and well thought out of all the pirates.  Their cutthroat real estate business dealings of the 80’s and 90’s shows how good they are at taking over foreign goods and simply making it a part of their own with minimal notice.  The Asian pirates of course are also some of the most brutal.  They will not hesitate in killing the crew and dumping their bodies over the side.  Now of course being Asian, they are doing this to chum the waters for sharks.  Let’s face it, if you can also increase the amount of shark fins you can get to sell from a few dead bodies, why not. 

Another pirate we will look at from the pacific can be found along the northern coast of California.  The butt pirates of San Francisco are some of the most feared pirates in the world.  They do not go after ships, they simply plunder booty.  They will attack you without warning and in ways you never thought possible.  Their version of a gang plank will strike fear in even the most murderous and bloodthirsty pirates.  What makes the butt pirate even more dangerous is rarely are they found on water.  Instead they are land pirates, looking to invade every cavern they can find.  So beware if you ever go west to cover your poop deck or they just might make a raid on you.

Now all this talk of pirates may make you wonder what are we doing about them.  Sadly, very little is being done.  The fact that U.S. troops finally engaged some of them off of Africa was amazing.  Sadly it was only because it was a U.S. crew did we get involved.  Considering the next day a French and Greek ship were taken control shows there is little fear by the pirates for a possible retaliation.  Hopefully though, we will start taking this more serious.  The idea that pirates are able to attack ships so easily does not bode well for U.S. interests, and also many other foreign interests too.  So it is here that I offer a simple solution.  Next time they take a ship, we kill them.  If they choose to do it again, we kill those pirates too.  If they still continue, we go into their ports and blow them the fuck out of the water.   We can even get a little old fashion with this too.  We save a few pirates and hang them in various ports along the coast.  They can serve as warnings to what happens if you try to attack a ship.  And just to really piss them off, we can have some nautical speakers by the bodies playing that great song by Kansas ”Dust In the Wind” on a continuous loop. 

Popularity: 67% [?]

Is it just me or is email SPAM getting worse? I’ve noticed that volume has increased, grammatical accuracy has decreased, and GMail’s ability to block this shit has gotten worse. At the end of the day, digging through SPAM in my email box has become as painful as my genital warts after a dip in the Dead Sea.

The Art of SPAM
Recently, I’ve received several messages promising to ‘uplift my sexual event’. I have no idea how this subject line came to fruition but it’s either really idiotic or really intelligent. Idiotic if the foreigner who wrote it couldn’t spend 5 minutes or his miserable life using Google Translate to translate a message. Intelligent if the spammer is actually English-speaking and has devised creative ways to dodge SPAM filters. Either way, this piece of SPAM actually had entertainment value for me so I opened the email, read the offer (which made no sense – click photo above) and decided that my sexual event was doing fine today,  so I bookmarked the URL for any future needs that I may have.

Here’s a snapshot of my SPAM folder:

Click to enlarge

There are a wide range of email SPAM subject lines, each interesting in its own special way. Most SPAM subject lines use what I call the ‘decoy approach’. This is where the spammers attempt to lure you to open the email with a false message like:

• Order confirmation
• Invoice past due
• You’re slutty wife is banging my dog Samson

Once you open these emails, you quickly discover that you’ve been had. There’s usually a message inside that has nothing to do with the subject line that just encouraged you to open the email. The decoy approach works on the logic that in order to improve the email response rate one must increase the number of email opens, even if a lie is needed to do so.  I bet that strategy works will on the elderly and those who generally don’t pay attention in life. Either way, the spammers utilizing this technique are, in my opinion, the scumbags of the SPAM world. A lie is no way to start a business relationship.

Another popular strategy called the ‘honest Abe approach’ which is named after the late, great Abe Lincoln. This category of SPAM offers a accurate sales pitch. The email subject lines in this category often say things like:

• Sleep with married women in your neighborhood, today!
• Grow a 36 inch penis by recess!
• Start earning 35 minutes from now!

While these promises may or may not be true, at least they don’t try to trick me into opening an email that I don’t give a fuck about. No tricks here. I can decide whether I want to increase my girth without even opening the email. If I do, I open. If I don’t, I ignore. The spammers using this strategy are no worse that the scumbags who try to sex me shit in TV commercials and disrupt my favorite Gilmore Girls episodes. Either way, I’m being fed crap that I didn’t ask for.

Popularity: 26% [?]

Last week the movie girls have been waiting three whole long months since it was in theaters to come out on DVD was released.  I’m talking about none other than the movie about a non-showering vampire and the love struck idiot human girl, aka Twilight.  Now I will preface that I have not seen the movie.  I attempted to watch a downloaded version, but I could not get beyond 15 minutes without hating every person I saw.  However, on a very boring day, and I mean really fucking boring, I took 4 hours to read the book.  I have to say after reading the book, I could not figure out the hype over this story.  To say the least, women just became that much more self-contradicting based on their love of this novel.  

Now let’s take a look at this novel.  It’s based around some chick that moves into some backwoods hick town in the northwest.   Now of course, a story can’t be good without her feeling out of place and alone.  She tries to fit in, meets a few of the local townsfolk, and in an awkward way makes some friends.  Of course there are others that are outsiders, but they don’t care about the locals and she falls for one of them.  Yada yada yada, finds out they are vampires, she still loves the guy.  Next, she forsakes any dignity by throwing herself at him and giving up any other friends and family for him.  Next he uses this to control her and makes her give up talking to the one semi-normal friend she has left.  In the end, she almost gets killed by one vampire, saved by another, proving in her twisted mind vampires are good and she no longer wants to be human, give up her family and friends to be one, and the story ends.  

So where does this story lead us, why to the obvious conclusion.  That for all the talk about being being their own person, wanting to not have to depend on men, in the end women still just want to be controlled.  I can’t recall reading a story that was more blatant about making a woman seem so weak without a man.  Now while I find this highly amusing, what’s even more amusing is that women fawn all over this character like he’s the new Romeo.   Are they really and truly that stupid to not realize how fucked up this story is.  I guess this is why we will always have such wonderful television such as Maury and “why I won’t leave my baby’s daddy even though he beats me” episodes.  Of course this will have to go between paternity episodes and “which of these 5 guys is the father of the slut’s baby”. 

  The idea that this is about unrequited love is just as bad a story as the women with two black eyes, because she didn’t learn the first time, accidentally fell down the stairs in her one story home.  So again, I guess this leads us all back to the same idea. Women are confused and need men to help them live a fulfilling life apparently.  As the character Bella made apparently clear, she was nothing without Edward, her life was pointless without men.  So go forth men and use this lesson wisely.  Women need you, whether they admit it or not.  Their lives are empty and meaningless without you.  Use this well, but just make sure you’re not one of the 5 candidates on the next episode of who’s my baby’s daddy.  

Popularity: 36% [?]

Maybe this is a sign that I am getting older…or becoming conservative (ha ha, yeah right), but when did it become common place to watch hardcore porn with your friends and strangers in a regular theater? I haven’t been on vacation that long, have I? Well, if you are a student at one of the lucky universities across the U.S. that were given free screenings of the adult film “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” you can try and answer that question yourself. Apparently the folks over at Digital Playground (the folks that made the pirate porn tale) decided to give several universities across America (i.e. UC Davis & Univ Maryland) the chance to “exhibit” the adult flick as a means to discuss difficult subjects such as sexuality and gender roles. They can slap on all the bullshit they want, the company is showing the movie for free so that the students will want to purchase their very own sticky copy. As a business major, I can appreciate it, but as a person, its bullshit.

I know porn is becoming more common place…more mainstream, but how did we make the jump from being judged for watching it alone in a dark dorm room with a bottle of lotion and a roommate’s t-shirt to joyfully buying tickets to the showing at the university theater with the rest of the gang? Maybe I am having a hard time understanding this because I am the type of guy that likes to view porn solely for the point of getting off. I use porn to alleviate the stress I experience from hours of begging my girlfriend for road head during rush-hour traffic. I do not view porn as a means to pose existential debates with my friends in between strokes. I like my porn the way I like to watch Gilmore Girls…alone with a beer and some lit candles (vanilla sandalwood). I don’t want to watch it with other people, no matter how you candy-coat it.

So here’s to you creepy people that like watch porn together…do it in your own homes or businesses…not in the campus theater! That’s just gross!

Popularity: 30% [?]

We all know the people that live in Hollyweird are a little off kilter to say the least.  Their apparent knowledge of politics, the environment, healthcare, and any other social cause you can think of has clearly shown us just how stupid they can be.  All you need to do is go near a group of women by the mini-fridge in the break room at the office to hear about the latest news.  News of course being that Jen Anniston and John Mayer broke up yet again.  Or Brangolina are adopting yet another kid to be scooped away and thrown into a world they will never understand.  Now the truly sad part is that this is what these people consider news.  Ask them about the recent market drops and they stare at you with a dumbstruck look on their face.  Ask if they know about the latest bailouts and they’ll say is that some new band.  Now before you smack them upside their head, take a minute to think why they consider this news.  If you, like I often am, are too lazy to look into it, have no fear, I have done some research for you.  Every article sited was found on the main page of a news site no lower than halfway down.  This being the general area that most people see when they first open a page. 

Now my first piece of evidence is a multi-tiered item.  It shows not only how sad the “news” has become, but also how pathetic the people they build up are too.  Now like many, I enjoy going to fark.com to get a funny take on the news.  Of course, they do have a lot real news on there, but sometimes they slip in some pointless stories just for shits and giggles.  But one of the stories, while amusing, just annoyed me that it was even considered news.  Apparently the star of the movie Twilight does not believe in washing his hair.  He goes on the talk about how dirty his apartment is and why should it matter, it’s just there for sleep. Now while the fact that someone considers this ok on its own is disgusting.  What makes it worse is that he is a person women fawn over and some men long to be like and so is considered news.  Take a fucking bath you disgusting bastard, and while you’re at, enjoy your 10 minutes of fame.  After these movies you’ll be hoping to do casting couch scenes and begging not to be shot in the eye for the money shot. 

This next example goes to show that people would rather know that some no talent hack was kicked off a show rather than what their government is doing or what else is happening in our world.  On Thursday night, I found on three different news sites the latest person to be kicked off American idol.  Now Fox News I would expect, simply because the show is on Fox.  Unfortunately though, CNN had it on their main page, and MSNBC had it on theirs too.  Of course, more bailout money was being considered, along with the Chinese discussing moving the world monetary unit from the dollar to possibly the Euro or some other form.  But no, Thursday, one of the biggest stories was “Idol’ sends oil roughneck Michael Sarver home”  Once again, America shows why we have become a nation full of unaware, dim witted morons

.

Now these next few examples, I will admit, I enjoyed reading each one.  As I tend to read a lot of news, I scroll through the sites and more than likely would have found them and read them anyway.  But sticking to our problem at hand, they were still considered main page news.  Apparently Bob Barker has a memoir coming out.  Understandably, he appeared on a recent taping of the show to promote it.  Yahoo news found this to be so important that they not only had it featured at the top part of their news page, but they also included a picture to draw your attention.  Mixed around this must read information was less important things such as the flooding in the midwest and $150 million will buy you Aaron Spellings home.  Some dead guys home and Bob Barker pushing a book is now considered mainstream news.

Now this next one I have to admit I enjoyed.  As a guilty pleasure, I have enjoyed watching the show Top Chef.  Yes, I know it’s cheesy but you get to see some good food and one of the judges is hot.  Padma Lakshmi has been on that show from the first season as one of three judges.  Beyond the show, I have no clue what she did before or does currently.  Honestly it doesn’t mean shit to me as it is her life ad I don’t need to know all about her latest adventures.  However, Fox News in their infinite wisdom and brilliance to attract readers thought that her new commercial was newsworthy.  Not even half way down the main page was a headline that would make most any man stop and click on, “Padma Lakshmi’s Does Food Porn.”  Now this headline alone would make me want to click and read more about this very important development, but they went one step better.  They included a picture on the main page to entice you even further.  Now once I click on the link, I am brought to a page with minimal writing, but a great set of photos from her new Hardee’s commercial.  That’s right, the “Breaking News” was that she did a new hot Hardee’s commercial.  Now while I find this entertaining, in no way should this be part of the main list of news of the day.  Of course, for your perusing pleasure I have included a link to this very well done piece of photojournalism.  Padma Lakshmi is fucking hot

Now this last bit of news was just another reason why CNN is no longer a real news site or news channel.  In an attempt to talk about the current financial problems of the country, this next piece is just awesome.  In an effort to draw people in, CNN did a report on a mom that has decided to bare more than her soul to get extra money.  After her day care business closed, she decided to go from watching kids to being watched by men, although couples always welcomed, at a local strip club.  Now my first issue with this is that there is no actual article to read, even if it’s just a paragraph.  Society has become so pathetic now they can’t even read news, they have to watch it.  Secondly, is there any more type of cheap and easy type of news piece than to simply make it about strippers.  Of course, with our great society, not only is this a part of the top  news stories on the main page, but it is also the most viewed report on the site.  Now I know there are human interests stories that the various news sources like to put out.  But come on, breaking news is not  “Out of work mom tries stripping”  Now while I of course was drawn to this, it does not belong on the top of your home page as breaking news.  Now before I continue, as with the previous news story, I have included a link to this wonderfully heart warming story.  Stripper moms

As I went surfing through various news sites, sadly I could not find one major U.S. News site that did not include some inane stories on their homepage as a part of their breaking news.  Some had stories about strippers, others talked of food porn.  Others talked about pointless crappy tv results like they were determining the direction of the country.  Has society become that pathetic now that for us to look at news we need useless crap thrown in too?  Sadly I believe the answer is yes.  So while we continue to crumble into a group of idiots completely ignorant to anything happening around us, I’m gonna go look for more stripper mom stories.

Popularity: 41% [?]

It seems to me that lately, every single time I turn on the news I get blasted with the terms “BREAKING NEWS!” It doesn’t matter if I am watching the local news or one of the cable news leaders. If I am watching the news, I can count on that flashy term getting flopped in my face like the breasts of a drunk girl at Mardi Gras.

The term “BREAKING NEWS” is not something new; in fact I can remember seeing it back when I was a little kid watching the news with my dad. The only thing that is different about it today is the fact that its meaning has been altered. You see, breaking news use to be actual news that happened relatively close to the time of the news broadcast. If an accident or a famous person died while the news was being aired, they would “break” in the middle of a broadcast with the “breaking” news. Nowadays the news media loves to use the term to bring up anything.

Take for example the other day with one of my local news leaders here in Sunny South Florida. This particular station’s evening newscast started with the weather, a story about the bad economy and tips on how to save money (while wearing Armani and Dolce clothing, covered in MAC makeup), and then…just then…the interruption happened. The lead anchorette said, “This just in, breaking news” and the suspenseful music started playing. She told us about a shooting that took place in the county and ended with a tiny note about the fact that it took place last night (at least 21 hours before the broadcast, victim already released from the hospital, shooter in custody). Now why the frack couldn’t they have simply told the story instead of advertising it like it was breaking news and you had to be on the lookout?!?! They do this for so many types of stories now…murders, weather disasters, plane crashes, kidnappings. Cover the story, but don’t act like it’s brand-fracking-new!

Shit like this is almost as bad as when the news media keeps you in suspense about the “dangers” in your own house. The “chemicals that you do not know that can kill you” in your pantry. I am so sick of hearing this crap that I no longer watch the news. I get my info from the place that most people do…the internet (provided they are quality sources like TMZ, the Sun, and the Daily Stalker).

Do me a favor, follow my lead, every time you see a “Breaking News” story and it isn’t breaking news…call the bastards out! Call, email, go to your news station and give them a piece of your mind!

Popularity: 29% [?]

So it’s March Madness time and that means two things for guys around the nation. Gambling and bracketology.  Now to those females out there that do not understand either term, most likely you fail to realize the stress this time can bring.  Often times there are multiple betting pools we will be involved in and this all but consumes us for the next few weeks.  Typically at least one of the pools will be an office related one, which adds another level of office stress that just is not needed.  So at this time, we offer you this quick tutorial in understanding men’s language that you can apply not just now, but year round.

Fine:  When asking about how your day was and it’s a quick “Fine!” that means it sucked and we sure as hell don’t want to talk about it.  Whether it was our boss being an asshole or jimmy in the mail department that just took the lead in the office pool, we do not want to relive the hellish experience.  However, if it is used at the end of an argument, it means fine, fuck you, I’m done dealing with this shit now!  More often than not it will be shouted because we know you understand better when we yell.

Five Minutes:  Five minutes in basketball, or most any sport, can mean anywhere from 10-30 minutes. It all depends on the amount of penalties and fouls called and tv timeouts taken.  While it can seem like a long amount of your time, for us it’s still only five minutes left in the game.  When dealing with leaving the house however, five  minutes means five minutes.  You need to adjust your time to get dressed based upon the original scheduled time of departure.  This means you do not try on ten different tops right before walking out the door just to go to dinner at Chili’s.

Nothing:  While similar to fine, it means it is a little more complex than simply falling behind in the pool.  Often times it means we bet a little more than we should have in our offshore accounts and are debating is it better to flee the country or cash in some family member’s life insurance policy.  The rest of the year, it means that whatever shit we are dealing with, we do not need to know what you think, nor your pain in the ass mom, or you bitter single friends that hate men would do.  As far as we are concerned, you can all choke on your help.  We are men and can figure this shit out on our own.

Yeah thanks:  Often times this will be the response when you ask if we would like you to go out with your friends. It will often be a very curt reply and will be our signal for you to leave us the fuck alone so we can enjoy the game.  Other times though, while having similar usage, it will be directed towards you pointing out how you did something for us that either we could have done ourselves or did not want done at all.  If you get a “Yeah, sure, thanks”  that means we are pissed off and you need to shut up about it now or we’re gone for the day to the golf course and driving range with our buddies.  And if you really pissed us off, then drinking all night with them.

Whatever:  This one is used when arguing and means I’m stopping this now because I know I am right but you’ll never grasp that.  This will often be the ending of an argument, much like Fine, but used only when we know we are right.  As we typically are right in the arguments, you will be more apt to hearing this from us. It can be used in all types of arguments, be it about why this game is important to watch or why you need to just be quiet and let me finish whatever project I am working on.

Although we understand this is a short list of vocabulary, we wanted to make sure that you ladies would be able to fully understand and maybe learn some of these words.  We are aware that it can be difficult for you to understand that you do not know everything and it can make learning hard for you.  While we let this information seep into those rather thick skulls of yours, we will be working on yet another set of vocabulary words for you in the coming weeks.  It is our hope here that you will eventually be able to understand us men and in doing so make not only our lives easier, but your lives too.  We do care about you women and want to do all we can to help you out in life.  Because let’s face it, in the end it is still all about making men’s lives easy.

Popularity: 100% [?]

I was listening to the radio this morning during the rush-hour crunch and heard an advertisement for upcoming concerts in the area. Of the list of bands, I heard a particular band that I was quite familiar with…mainly back in the day through high school…No Doubt. You could say I was pleasantly surprised to find out No Doubt was going to be touring again. Cool…so Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Adrian Young, and Gwen Stefani will be performing again as a group. The best part is that we will all get a break from Gwen Stefani’s stint at going solo. That stint has produced tons of suburban teeny-bopper music that is best suited at someone’s sweet sixteen instead of gracing my car radio.

I prefer to think of Gwen’s new music as an abortion of what was once a really hot chick in a cool band. I remember when I first saw the video of “Don’t Speak” and thinking, “Holy fuck, that girl is hot!” Flash forward several years and you get her breaking away from No Doubt to start producing songs like “Rich Girl “ and “Hollaback Girl.” Instead of a cool band, we have a hot chick covering herself up in some truly fucked up outfits and dancing around like a drugged-out circus monkey with a bunch of Asian back-up dancers called Harajuku girls. Where the fuck is the girl that filled many wet dreams? She got older, married the one-hit-wonder from BUSH, got knocked up, and spent many the day making really crappy music.

Now that No Doubt is back together and touring, does that mean we are done with Gwen’s terrible music? The truth is that I don’t know. I can only hope that just like a young girl whoring herself out to the football team, she has gotten her fill. In the meantime, I am going to buy some really over-priced tickets.

Popularity: 40% [?]

Spring is in the air and that can only mean one thing if you are in Florida.  It’s time for spring training.  Now to the average baseball fan, this may seem like a great thing, but if   you live here, it sucks.  First the waves of pain in the ass northerners start to fly down.  With a lot of midwest teams coming down here, we get those pale obese fucks flocking here like fatties to the fried twinkie booth at the local fair.  They clog the roads and restaurants for little over a month that is pure hell for locals.  Now normally I would bitch about these fucks and how they annoy me, but something more pisses me off this season.  The fucktard millionaires playing the game and acting like little bitches.

Before the season even started, there was the fallout from the steroid usage happening in the league.  First I gotta say, what the fuck are they doing?  How, in this day and age can you be so absolutely obtuse and think you can get away with using them?  The advances in drug testing have come a long way since the 80’s when everyone was just shooting up in the locker room.  You have fathead Barry Bonds saying it was just some cream he was using.  So because some specialist says use this cream, it’s gonna help you recover you will?  At that rate I could jerk off in a tube and say hey, this will help you recover quicker and make a thousand bucks.  Then we have A-rod, with obligatory yankees sucks!!!!!  How the hell do you honestly expect anyone to believe that you didn’t know what you were using.  When you had to have something shipped in from that third world cesspool called the Dominican Republic because it’s not sold here, that should be a clue momo.  Although I guess if you think with your dick all the time, the shrinkage from the roids could affect your intelligence level.  Now I know A-rod is not the only roid idiot out there.  There are many others out there who are going to live the rest of their life with a baby dick and fat head.  But let’s face it, the yankees suck and anytime you can get the fluffer of Jeter in trouble, it’s a good day.

Now while steroids are an issue, I find it less problematic than other things within baseball.  If these big headed morons want to juice up and destroy their bodies, it’s their choice.  If they get caught, then whatever laws they have broken then they will have to deal with whatever celebrity justice is served to them.  I’m more pissed off at the salaries these jackholes get and then complain they aren’t getting enough.  Let’s first go back to A-rod, cause let’s face it, he seems to just garner controversy with a lot of things.  His giant inflated salary hardly seems plausible.  Forget the astronomical amount of over a quarter of a billion dollars, what has he done to deserve it?  Yes, he is awesome in May and the talk begins is this the year he finally does good the whole season?  Then sometime after the all-star break, he starts to slide down like a gay man in a San Francisco bathhouse.  Then in August, cause they can’t even get into the playoffs anymore, the guy chokes harder than Jeter does going down on him in the locker room showers.  Every year it’s like clockwork.  When they need his skills the most, he chokes.  Really earning that salary he signed.

Now in this off season, there was Manny Ramirez of the dodgers.  Like a whiney little bitch in previous seasons, he wanted the big money he thought he deserves.  Now I will agree the guy is damn good and can definitely affect a team in a positive way.  His performance last season with the dodgers proves that.  However, that still does not mean he can act like a whiney little bitch.  When you first look at how he got to the dodgers, it’s enough to make you want to take a bat to his knees.  Because he wasn’t getting the contract he wanted, he basically shut down playing for a season because he wanted to be traded.  When you have already made tens of millions of dollars, how the fuck can you complain about a 3-5 million dollar difference.  When you are playing a damn kids sport for a job, you should be happy getting even the league minimum of $100,000.  That is for doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the bench the entire season, not getting into even one game as a pinch hitter or pinch runner.  The average salary is over 3 million and even that is more than enough to live comfortably on for years.  These prissy little players that will take a day off because of a hangnail, how the hell can you say you’re working tough and earning that money.  Get out there and if you’re lucky play your eight months of baseball and shut the hell up.  You already get at least four months off, and if you suck, you are rewarded with even more time off.

So I say this to you, the whiney, prissy, little bitches that play baseball.  Don’t bitch to us about how you’re not being paid enough.  You are getting more than you are worth.  Only having two Bentley’s instead of three is not a life altering problem that should affect your playing.  Get out there and play and appreciate that you are being paid for simply playing a kid’s game.  You are living the American dream, so shut the hell up.  If you keep bitching, I hope at some point you fall in the locker room and have a broken splintered bat shoved up your ass.  You deserve nothing less if you start talking contract negotiations during the season.  When I pay $50 for a ticket and then another $30 for a beer and hot dog, you better be hustling your ass around the diamond.  If not, be prepared to be heckled.  I will make you my bitch from the stands by the end of the game. That is my right and I will surely use it.  And no conversation about baseball would be complete without ending it with this nationally appreciated line.

YANKEES SUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

Popularity: 80% [?]

Bernie Madoff is the fuck who was responsible for tons of greedy douchebags and charitable organizations losing most or nearly all of their money. He was once the renowned former chairman of the NASDAQ SE and now has become a household name, having been charged with carrying out one of the most amazing investor fraud cases ever perpetrated. His connections span the globe. At this moment, he is currently under house-arrest until he has to face his indictment….hoping and waiting that his wealth and connections can help him.

As a result of what Bernie has done, there are a good amount of people out there that wish harm towards this man. I myself am not one of those people. I do not believe in “wishing someone harm,” however, I do believe in Karma. I believe that Karma can befall people like him and restore the natural order. So until Karma comes along, lets hop in the imagination machine and imagine what forms it could come in…such as one of the following:

POISONING: Maybe he is secretly a foodie (food aficionado) and loves nothing but the most exotic and new creations. Let’s say that one particular night he decides to kick it up a notch and has some five-star chef come to his place to prepare him Fugu (blowfish, lethal if not prepared correctly). Unfortunately, Karma could make sure that the chef preparing the Fugu had a slight case of the flu, resulting in blurry vision while carving up the aquatic delight, leaving substantial amounts of the poisonous toxin flowing into each bite of his delicious meal. As his nervous system shuts down from ingesting the toxin, maybe he would think about all the bad things he has done while watching his five-star chef prepare to show off his ever building necrophilia fetish.

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION: What if he is one of those guys that can only orgasm by cutting off his air supply? Maybe he will decide that he needs to take his mind off of the upcoming indictment by getting off on extreme bondage play. Maybe that includes choking himself with a rope around his neck while it is tied to one of the ceiling beams in his luxurious apartment. If that were true, then karma might cause him to tie the knot on the rope around his neck too tight resulting in him not being able to remove it in time to catch that last breathe during climax. Instead, the real climax would be him hanging from a beam like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party.

ELECTROCUTION: Now the previous one maybe too extreme for the market mogul…so let’s say that he decided to relax with a hot bath, candles and some Vanessa Carlton (suburban white girl music) on his nearby Bose sound system. It’s relaxing…it’s warm…it’s humid and everything is getting slippery. What if Karma caused him to accidentally knock the now slippery sound system into the tub while singing “making your way down town” along to the young Ms. Carlton? He would have to make his way down town in a coroner’s van.

No matter what happens, even if the bastard doesn’t have Karma befall him in this life, it will befall him in the next life. Maybe he will come back, reincarnated in the form of one of the most vile and unfortunate creatures to walk the Earth…maybe the next reality tv star.

Popularity: 17% [?]