Recently in the news there has been something that has not been mentioned in many years. Boats have been fighting battles on the high seas again, but not quite like how we are used to imagining. The pirates of today are a bunch of starvin marvins, most notably sitting off the coast of Somalia in crappy little boats. Now to the average American, the idea of pirates attacking anything seems laughable, especially when you say African pirates. How can a bunch of people most known for their stereotypes of living in mud huts, chucking spears, and making special guest appearances on the various late night Christian infomercials begging you to help feed a child be pirates? Apparently the showmanship and level of piracy has taken a backseat to basic raiding now.
With this in mind, we shall now delve into the world of pirates and explore the various incarnations pirates have made over the last few centuries. The first type we will look at is the pirate everyone thinks of when they hear the word. Of course we are talking about the Caribbean pirates of days gone by. Now Disney made an amusing look at pirates in recent years, with a definite nod to the showmanship we all have come to appreciate. The over the top characters, the stretching the arrrrrrghs, and the somewhat flamboyant extravagancies of some of the pirates. This flamboyance will be discussed later so be prepared for that attack. Living in south Florida, I’ve heard the stories of people still being attacked by pirates today, especially when making runs to the Bahamas. The pirates of the Caribbean of today though use fast speedboats, heavy guns, and disappear as quickly as they appear. They are known more for taking boats and leaving the people stranded to float in the seas until they die, that is if they don’t kill them right away. Unlike like their African brethren, they are less into ransom and more into plunder with the occasional taking of the booty.
Now we move eastward to the coasts of northeast Africa. For years the problem of pirates has been an issue for trade vessels. Looking at history, the Barbary coast has been notorious for pirates and other various dirty seaman to traverse. Attacks have been a given for trade ships for years, and with it being Africa, obviously there is very little in the way of Johnny law to control what is going on. In boats that would make a Cuban refugee floating to America nervous, they have somehow managed the ability to come alongside massive cargo ships and take control. Once they have control, they negotiate a ransom for the release of the crew, they get back into their floating driftwood and head for the beautiful sunny shores of Africa. Recently we have seen in the news the awesome sniping of some of these pirates by American naval troops. This display of power hopefully means that we are going to start looking into the dealing with pirates in a more direct and violent manner more befitting to their acts.
Now we take a look at the pacific, where the Asian pirates have really taken off. They not only take over a ship, but they will repaint it, rename it, and sail it into a port to have the cargo they stole offloaded. Leave it to the Asians to be the organized and well thought out of all the pirates. Their cutthroat real estate business dealings of the 80’s and 90’s shows how good they are at taking over foreign goods and simply making it a part of their own with minimal notice. The Asian pirates of course are also some of the most brutal. They will not hesitate in killing the crew and dumping their bodies over the side. Now of course being Asian, they are doing this to chum the waters for sharks. Let’s face it, if you can also increase the amount of shark fins you can get to sell from a few dead bodies, why not.
Another pirate we will look at from the pacific can be found along the northern coast of California. The butt pirates of San Francisco are some of the most feared pirates in the world. They do not go after ships, they simply plunder booty. They will attack you without warning and in ways you never thought possible. Their version of a gang plank will strike fear in even the most murderous and bloodthirsty pirates. What makes the butt pirate even more dangerous is rarely are they found on water. Instead they are land pirates, looking to invade every cavern they can find. So beware if you ever go west to cover your poop deck or they just might make a raid on you.
Now all this talk of pirates may make you wonder what are we doing about them. Sadly, very little is being done. The fact that U.S. troops finally engaged some of them off of Africa was amazing. Sadly it was only because it was a U.S. crew did we get involved. Considering the next day a French and Greek ship were taken control shows there is little fear by the pirates for a possible retaliation. Hopefully though, we will start taking this more serious. The idea that pirates are able to attack ships so easily does not bode well for U.S. interests, and also many other foreign interests too. So it is here that I offer a simple solution. Next time they take a ship, we kill them. If they choose to do it again, we kill those pirates too. If they still continue, we go into their ports and blow them the fuck out of the water. We can even get a little old fashion with this too. We save a few pirates and hang them in various ports along the coast. They can serve as warnings to what happens if you try to attack a ship. And just to really piss them off, we can have some nautical speakers by the bodies playing that great song by Kansas ”Dust In the Wind” on a continuous loop.
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So where does this story lead us, why to the obvious conclusion. That for all the talk about being being their own person, wanting to not have to depend on men, in the end women still just want to be controlled. I can’t recall reading a story that was more blatant about making a woman seem so weak without a man. Now while I find this highly amusing, what’s even more amusing is that women fawn all over this character like he’s the new Romeo. Are they really and truly that stupid to not realize how fucked up this story is. I guess this is why we will always have such wonderful television such as Maury and “why I won’t leave my baby’s daddy even though he beats me” episodes. Of course this will have to go between paternity episodes and “which of these 5 guys is the father of the slut’s baby”. 
The idea that this is about unrequited love is just as bad a story as the women with two black eyes, because she didn’t learn the first time, accidentally fell down the stairs in her one story home. So again, I guess this leads us all back to the same idea. Women are confused and need men to help them live a fulfilling life apparently. As the character Bella made apparently clear, she was nothing without Edward, her life was pointless without men. So go forth men and use this lesson wisely. Women need you, whether they admit it or not. Their lives are empty and meaningless without you. Use this well, but just make sure you’re not one of the 5 candidates on the next episode of who’s my baby’s daddy. 
Now this next one I have to admit I enjoyed. As a guilty pleasure, I have enjoyed watching the show Top Chef. Yes, I know it’s cheesy but you get to see some good food and one of the judges is hot. Padma Lakshmi has been on that show from the first season as one of three judges. Beyond the show, I have no clue what she did before or does currently. Honestly it doesn’t mean shit to me as it is her life ad I don’t need to know all about her latest adventures. However, Fox News in their infinite wisdom and brilliance to attract readers thought that her new commercial was newsworthy. Not even half way down the main page was a headline that would make most any man stop and click on, “
Recently I was partaking in one of these final send offs and had something happen that was unexpected and very unnerving. As we all know, bachelor parties always end up at strip clubs. They always have, always will, it’s just one of the laws of nature. So we ended up at one of the fine local gentlemen clubs in the area for a night of drunkenness and titties. We get there and are taken to the vip section, cause that’s how we roll. We have a bevy of ladies stopping by to provide some minimal conversation and sit on our laps. Of course some get our attention more than others. Like the Cuban named Isabella, or the typical Mandy, Sierra, Lexxie, or Nikki. As the night progresses, we all go off and get lapdances. Depending on the woman depends on how long we were getting one. Some women just deserved getting a longer dance than others. Eventually the alcohol kicks in and the money rolls out quicker. 
How many times have you had the stripper grind up on you only to slam down a 10 inch stiletto heel mere inches away from your special friend. Instead, she gets your leg. Not enough to bleed, but enough to leave a nice mark for your wife or girlfriend to see in the morning. Now, after leaving the club, I not only had the reek of stripper on me, but I had a new fear instilled in me. I learned that strippers attack. One thing I am glad about though is that this was not a private stripper hired to perform at a suite or house. Had she done it there, it may have looked like Kobe Tai in that scene from the movie Very Bad Things. That ho would have been slammed up on a door hook as I threw her off me. So this has lead me to the following realization. Strippers are whores that are a cocaine sniff away from attacking you at any moment. When you feel anything unusual happening down there, don’t be afraid to grab her and pull her off you. You could be saving your future children by doing this, So when dealing with strippers remember these few facts. They are money grubbing whores there simply to take your money. They are most often filled with cocaine, alcohol, and any other drugs they can get their hands on. And finally, strippers are soulless dead on the inside creatures roaming the face of the earth. The will attack without warning and without caution. Stay away!! If you come in contact though, throw a $20 on the ground and run when they pick it up. I guess the bloodhound gang said it best, “The lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying.” 
Lets take a trip in the way back machine to the mid 90s…a time where the average family started to access the web from their mac or pc sitting in the den. Compared to today’s computers, that computer, encased in an ugly grey or beige color box, was practically a toaster oven. You probably used it to type term papers (in 5-paragraph format according to your MLA book) or for a scorching game of solitaire…OOH, FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! Somewhere down the line, most people started to access the World Wide Web on their computers (cause “slow shitty guy living in his parents basement land” was too long for a name) through a dial-up ISP like AOL, Earthlink, Compuserve or one of the many other companies that came and went (like a Chechnyan prostitute with schizophrenia).
Since the net was so young, you didn’t have many choices. You could check your email (pure text, no html), look at dirty pictures (grainy images of hairy-girl-gross-guy porn that took forever to load), sign someone’s guest book (probably for some shitty 90210 fan club site), listen to a MIDI file of your favorite band (sounded like an electronic hallmark card), or have cybersex in a chatroom (most likely a 40 year old guy pretending to be Cara, a hot teenage girl from Cali). Getting and staying on the web was a long and arduous process with little to no return. The funny thing…you look back now and think, “LAME!” However, back then you probably thought it was the coolest thing since your parents got you that poster of Optimus Prime for over your bed.
First we will address one of the easiest ones. This one typically will be used by the strong business woman that feels she will never get ahead because she is a woman. You can almost always spot her at happy hour as the woman in the ant suit outfit and often with a short haircut. She wants to be like Hillary Clinton but is not willing to have members of her staff killed to protect her rise to power. These packs can be dangerous to break apart but it can be done. The best strategy is to wait for one to break from the pack to get a drink. Don’t move over too far at the bar for her to get her order and you just subtly hinted you see her as an equal. This initial hint allows you to comment about the time it takes for drinks or some other pointless banter. Either way, you just made her feel like more than the typical piece of ass at happy hour and have a way in. Or this could just be put there from the fat pissed of ugly friend.
This next one is a little tougher but still workable. There are two types that can fall into this category. The true gold diggers, which should just be avoided unless you are pulling in 7-8 figures a year or the Starbucks drinking, Chanel or any other expensive brand name sunglasses wearing, fake Louis bag woman. If it is the latter of the two, it may cost a little, but with some effort you’ll be giving her your own white mocha latte. As usual, they will be in a pack, usually 2-3. Often times they like to pretend they are those annoying bitches from sex and the city drinking their martinis and talking about their last designer bullshit item they bought or last guy they had. With this group the key is all about timing and placement. If you can get a table near them, half the battle is over. Simply order some over priced bottle and make it loud enough for them to hear. This should grab their attention. When the bottle gets there, say you guys don’t want to drink it all yourselves and invite them to join in. Make a point to ask if they want refills on their drinks and make sure it’s top shelf. Eventually they can see the tab adding up and will be impressed. Yes, they usually are that easy to impress. It just becomes a matter of divide and conquer. Now if this fails, then they are true gold diggers and you want to just walk away. Or it was just another case of the fat ugly friend striking again. 
This kind of chic is pretty simple, but it comes with a couple of prerequisites. First you must have at least one dog, minimum 25 pounds, or if you’re a tool and have cats, you must have 2 and a good story for them. The woman often is a big animal lover and typically big hearted. They are not always the easiest to spot but just think midwestern type that has yet to be defiled. That of course is your job. Often times it won’t take long for the subjects of pets to come up with these types. Simply say you got the dog from the pound cause you believe in saving a dog rather than supporting puppy mills. If this doesn’t make her start to undress you with her eyes, then more than likely it’s the fat ugly friend striking again. 
This last one is the toughest to deal with and often times is pointless. Typically the girl will be out of a recent relationship, usually long term. This will also be the largest and meanest pack that you will have to come against. All the claws will be out and they will rebuff just about any attempts. This is best attempted with at least 2-3 wingmen, and depending on the pack, maybe more. The main goal is to be next to hear within 15 minutes. If you can get at least 1 laugh within 3 minutes, her defense is down. This is when taking psych 101 will come in handy. Let her talk a little about the breakup. Give the periodic nod along with a “oh I’m so sorry” or “what a heartless creep”. Basic sympathy will go along way. Keep this up for a while and eventually the other friends will have less control and she will be yours for the taking. Of course, all of this could come crashing down with our favorite person. The fat ugly friend may take her off to the bathroom and remind her she is too good for you, just like her ex. This will require a major sacrifice from one of the wingmen. He must keep the fat ugly friend engaged to prevent her running interference otherwise it’s game over. If you can actually get her though, it will be some of the best hardcore, rough, pull the hair, screaming vengence sex you will experience. 
