Uplift Your Sexual Event
Is it just me or is email SPAM getting worse? I’ve noticed that volume has increased, grammatical accuracy has decreased, and GMail’s ability to block this shit has gotten worse. At the end of the day, digging through SPAM in my email box has become as painful as my genital warts after a dip in the Dead Sea.
The Art of SPAM
Recently, I’ve received several messages promising to ‘uplift my sexual event’. I have no idea how this subject line came to fruition but it’s either really idiotic or really intelligent. Idiotic if the foreigner who wrote it couldn’t spend 5 minutes or his miserable life using Google Translate to translate a message. Intelligent if the spammer is actually English-speaking and has devised creative ways to dodge SPAM filters. Either way, this piece of SPAM actually had entertainment value for me so I opened the email, read the offer (which made no sense – click photo above) and decided that my sexual event was doing fine today, so I bookmarked the URL for any future needs that I may have.
Here’s a snapshot of my SPAM folder:
Click to enlarge
There are a wide range of email SPAM subject lines, each interesting in its own special way. Most SPAM subject lines use what I call the ‘decoy approach’. This is where the spammers attempt to lure you to open the email with a false message like:
- Order confirmation
- Invoice past due
- You’re slutty wife is banging my dog Samson
Once you open these emails, you quickly discover that you’ve been had. There’s usually a message inside that has nothing to do with the subject line that just encouraged you to open the email. The decoy approach works on the logic that in order to improve the email response rate one must increase the number of email opens, even if a lie is needed to do so. I bet that strategy works will on the elderly and those who generally don’t pay attention in life. Either way, the spammers utilizing this technique are, in my opinion, the scumbags of the SPAM world. A lie is no way to start a business relationship.
Another popular strategy called the ‘honest Abe approach’ which is named after the late, great Abe Lincoln. This category of SPAM offers a accurate sales pitch. The email subject lines in this category often say things like:
- Sleep with married women in your neighborhood, today!
- Grow a 36 inch penis by recess!
- Start earning 35 minutes from now!
While these promises may or may not be true, at least they don’t try to trick me into opening an email that I don’t give a fuck about. No tricks here. I can decide whether I want to increase my girth without even opening the email. If I do, I open. If I don’t, I ignore. The spammers using this strategy are no worse that the scumbags who try to sex me shit in TV commercials and disrupt my favorite Gilmore Girls episodes. Either way, I’m being fed crap that I didn’t ask for.
Popularity: 26% [?]
No one should ever disrupt your favorite Gilmore Girls episodes. Heck, what am I talking about…I can’t pick a favorite episode…they are all fantastic!
I use Hotmail mostly, and I have another e-mail account that I barely use on Yahoo. Is there anyone to decrease or stop spam completely? It seems that Yahoo does a better job than Hotmail at filtering spam. Are the scammers or spammers or whatever you want to call them, just eating up all the e-mail addresses? Like many phantom companies have seemed to do with domain names. I’m wondering if any anti-virus software companies are devising ways to combat spam. If employees had to never go through there inboxes on a spam hunt then that would probably save the world millions of dollars in time and productivity. I don’t really know a lot about this subject, but I’m sure businesses would love to cut down on their workforce having to filter spam when a program should have done it in the first place.
Good post Ricko, Seacrest out.