In Chin Deep

Recently, I was caught speeding while returning home from the bar one winter evening at about 1am. Really, the whole event would not have taken place had I known how to get home. But, as per usual, my creative juices were flowing and I decided to take a ‘scenic’ route home, placing me directly in the path of a blood-hungry officer of the law, who we’ll call Johnny Law. Long story short; I ended up with $300 in traffic fines and opted to take traffic school to avoid an insurance rate hike. In this situation, things could have turned out worse, much worse. Fortunately, the driving-home-late-at-night-after-drinking gods were smiling down upon me.

Since driver improvement school is four boring fucking hours long, I decide that I needed a coping strategy. In my current hung-over state (as I’m hungover right now), getting through this is going to be tough. First, I decide I’ll copy all the chapters along the way into a Word document so I can search for answers when the final exam comes around. Besides, I’m really in no mood to read through these pointless lessons or to fail this ridiculous exam. Despite my friends at the DOTs attempt to prevent this sort of behavior, I’ve managed to download the lessons here.

The second part of my strategy helps me deal with the DOTs efforts to ensure that I’m in front of my computer for the duration of the course. You see, the setup for this happened while I was signing up for the course. They asked me a series of questions (see below) that were really fuckin pointless, or so I thought.

Since I’m a dummy, I decided to lie on my answers because I didn’t understand the point of them. This later proved to be detrimental to me completing the course because these questions randomly popped up throughout the course to verify that I was still sitting in front of my computer. Ooops…

The Courses
The actual lessons in online driving school were probably written for God’s special children, the retards. This is part of what makes actually paying attention to the course impossible. I’m pretty sure that these tests are geared towards individuals who are much dumber than me, if they are out there. Otherwise, the course was written by someone dumber than me. Either way, they really should set the standards higher.

In course 1, my friends at the DOT fill my head with scary statistics about how dangerous driving can be. In fact, I think I’d give up my license today but then I wouldn’t have a way to get home from the bar each night. Check out these scary facts:

• Fact: There is an average of approximately 665 crashes per day in Florida – Wow, that’s a lot
• Fact: There is an average of over 110 people per day who lose their lives – Wow, that sucks
• Fact: Speed may be the most important factor in collisions. – So may driver’s age, gender and mental state. Face it, chicks, teenagers and the elderly shouldn’t be allowed to drive (or vote)
• Fact: Vehicle crashes cost society an estimated $4,800 per second – I wonder how much the war in Iraq is still costing us per second. Thanks dumbass.

It is in Course 1 that I am beginning to really believe that this website was built by a slightly retarded 10 year old red-headed child. Or maybe it was built by the tard’s 95 year old inbred grandfather. Either way, the content and design are vintage and the over-usage of animated gifs remind of the first website I built about 15 years ago when I was about 13 years old (and arguably slightly retarded). In fact, the site may even be as bad as this one. That fancy spinning wheel you see to the left is one of the cool gifs that I borrowed from their website.

Breaks

Next comes the required break. I’m glad they give us a break because, after the previous 50 minutes of sitting on my ass plucking pubic hairs for entertainment, I need another 10 fuckin minutes to rest my half-functioning brain.

Course 2
Course 2 taught me some things about how I can be a safer driver. The three take-away items I got from Course 2 are:
• If you can’t see, you can’t drive
• Alcohol has a negative affect on driving skills
• Safety belts help avoid injury in the event of an accident.

This is very useful information. I’m glad I had to waste 50 shitty minutes of my pathetic life on this chapter. At this point, I’m getting really bored. I now have porntube open in one browser and driver improvement school in the other. Now this is much better…

Course 3
By the time course 3 comes around, I’m really out of it. Even I have a limit to the amount of porn I can watch in one sitting so I’m scanning the Web looking for stupid shit while watching the timer run out on my driving school experience.

The Final Exam
The final exam is here and I’m as bored as an atheist at Christmas mass. As I previously mentioned, I had been saving all the lessons in a text document so I could easily search for answers on the final exam. The exam is 50 questions long and the question format make it easy to use the find feature in MS Word to gather the answers. Despite cheating on the final, I still miss 4 questions. But, at least I passed and learned my lesson; Get a lawyer next time. Driving school is a waste of everyone’s time.

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