Is it just me or is email SPAM getting worse? I’ve noticed that volume has increased, grammatical accuracy has decreased, and GMail’s ability to block this shit has gotten worse. At the end of the day, digging through SPAM in my email box has become as painful as my genital warts after a dip in the Dead Sea.
The Art of SPAM
Recently, I’ve received several messages promising to ‘uplift my sexual event’. I have no idea how this subject line came to fruition but it’s either really idiotic or really intelligent. Idiotic if the foreigner who wrote it couldn’t spend 5 minutes or his miserable life using Google Translate to translate a message. Intelligent if the spammer is actually English-speaking and has devised creative ways to dodge SPAM filters. Either way, this piece of SPAM actually had entertainment value for me so I opened the email, read the offer (which made no sense – click photo above) and decided that my sexual event was doing fine today, so I bookmarked the URL for any future needs that I may have.
Here’s a snapshot of my SPAM folder:
Click to enlarge
There are a wide range of email SPAM subject lines, each interesting in its own special way. Most SPAM subject lines use what I call the ‘decoy approach’. This is where the spammers attempt to lure you to open the email with a false message like:
- Order confirmation
- Invoice past due
- You’re slutty wife is banging my dog Samson
Once you open these emails, you quickly discover that you’ve been had. There’s usually a message inside that has nothing to do with the subject line that just encouraged you to open the email. The decoy approach works on the logic that in order to improve the email response rate one must increase the number of email opens, even if a lie is needed to do so. I bet that strategy works will on the elderly and those who generally don’t pay attention in life. Either way, the spammers utilizing this technique are, in my opinion, the scumbags of the SPAM world. A lie is no way to start a business relationship.
Another popular strategy called the ‘honest Abe approach’ which is named after the late, great Abe Lincoln. This category of SPAM offers a accurate sales pitch. The email subject lines in this category often say things like:
- Sleep with married women in your neighborhood, today!
- Grow a 36 inch penis by recess!
- Start earning 35 minutes from now!
While these promises may or may not be true, at least they don’t try to trick me into opening an email that I don’t give a fuck about. No tricks here. I can decide whether I want to increase my girth without even opening the email. If I do, I open. If I don’t, I ignore. The spammers using this strategy are no worse that the scumbags who try to sex me shit in TV commercials and disrupt my favorite Gilmore Girls episodes. Either way, I’m being fed crap that I didn’t ask for.
Popularity: 26% [?]
So where does this story lead us, why to the obvious conclusion. That for all the talk about being being their own person, wanting to not have to depend on men, in the end women still just want to be controlled. I can’t recall reading a story that was more blatant about making a woman seem so weak without a man. Now while I find this highly amusing, what’s even more amusing is that women fawn all over this character like he’s the new Romeo. Are they really and truly that stupid to not realize how fucked up this story is. I guess this is why we will always have such wonderful television such as Maury and “why I won’t leave my baby’s daddy even though he beats me” episodes. Of course this will have to go between paternity episodes and “which of these 5 guys is the father of the slut’s baby”. 
The idea that this is about unrequited love is just as bad a story as the women with two black eyes, because she didn’t learn the first time, accidentally fell down the stairs in her one story home. So again, I guess this leads us all back to the same idea. Women are confused and need men to help them live a fulfilling life apparently. As the character Bella made apparently clear, she was nothing without Edward, her life was pointless without men. So go forth men and use this lesson wisely. Women need you, whether they admit it or not. Their lives are empty and meaningless without you. Use this well, but just make sure you’re not one of the 5 candidates on the next episode of who’s my baby’s daddy. 
Maybe this is a sign that I am getting older…or becoming conservative (ha ha, yeah right), but when did it become common place to watch hardcore porn with your friends and strangers in a regular theater? I haven’t been on vacation that long, have I? Well, if you are a student at one of the lucky universities across the U.S. that were given free screenings of the adult film “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” you can try and answer that question yourself. Apparently the folks over at Digital Playground (the folks that made the pirate porn tale) decided to give several universities across America (i.e. UC Davis & Univ Maryland) the chance to “exhibit” the adult flick as a means to discuss difficult subjects such as sexuality and gender roles. They can slap on all the bullshit they want, the company is showing the movie for free so that the students will want to purchase their very own sticky copy. As a business major, I can appreciate it, but as a person, its bullshit.
