In Chin Deep

Ok, so we have all been through it or will go through it at some point.  Eventually everyone experiences the passing of a friend into the death that is better known as marriage.  Now I know the women out there will not appreciate hearing that, but tough titties, that’s just how it is.  No longer will the best bud be there for the weekends of drunken debauchery at a moments notice.  No longer will they be able to hang out and watch the game every week.  Their weekends will consist of trips to your local home improvement store.  Maybe if they are feeling adventurous, they will make a side trip to starbucks on their way to Bed Bath and Beyond.  This is just the beginning, because once kids are involved, then you may as well ditch the guy’s number.  Unless you want to hit on bitter divorced moms at Chuck E Cheese or whatever other local kid jailhouse you can drop the reprobates off at for some free time.  Of course though, this does have one redeeming aspect as the ending of a normal friendship.  The two words that all fiances fear and loathe…Bachelor Party!!.

Recently I was partaking in one of these final send offs and had something happen that was unexpected and very unnerving.  As we all know, bachelor parties always end up at strip clubs.  They always have, always will, it’s just one of the laws of nature.  So we ended up at one of the fine local gentlemen clubs in the area for a night of drunkenness and titties.  We get there and are taken to the vip section, cause that’s how we roll.  We have a bevy of ladies stopping by to provide some minimal conversation and sit on our laps.  Of course some get our attention more than others.  Like the Cuban named Isabella, or the typical Mandy, Sierra, Lexxie, or Nikki.  As the night progresses, we all go off and get lapdances.  Depending on the woman depends on how long we were getting one.  Some women just deserved getting a longer dance than others.  Eventually the alcohol kicks in and the money rolls out quicker.

So I’m sitting there just chilling when Crystal decides my lap is a good place to sit down and relax.  She was a pretty good looking brunette with a tight little body.  So she starts talking telling me about how she’s working her way through college.  I know, what a big fucking surprise, the stripper working her way through school.  Then I hear how life isn’t always fair cause look a her, she’s a stripper.  Next she goes on to tell me about what she’s had to drink for the night and can she just sit on my lap for a while cause she’s tired of dancing.  Since the music was relatively loud I could drown her out and just chill.   Eventually, I say I want a dance and she leads me to the back.  We get to the back room and she starts doin her thing.  She’s grinding her ass up on me and stickin her titties in my face like a good stripper does.  Then things start to go wrong.  At first she straddles me and as she is grinding I start to feel a tugging on my ear.  Then I realize not only is she nibbling my ear, but I feel the snake like movements of her tongue flicking my ear.  Due to the massive amounts of alcohol, I don’t really think about the level of disgustingness that truly is at the time.  God only knows where the hell that tongue had been before and it’s best to not think about it.  Now of that was the worst of it, I could deal with that.  Nothing that some industrial cleaning solvent and multiple showers couldn’t cure.  But, that wasn’t it.  The horror didn’t end there.

She kept going and doing her thing.  After a minute, I realize she had slid down between my legs.  Now any guy would of course think all right, this is gonna get interesting.  Mentally I’m already thinking “Dear Penthouse, you’ll never guess what happened to me at the strip club last night.”  So she’s doing her thing all the while peter the purple yogurt slinger is still in my jeans.  Now after about a minute of her grinding, I suddenly feel some pressure that doesn’t seem right.  I look down and see her biting down on peter through my jeans.  As soon as I feel it happening, the pressure went away.  So of course I’m thinking I just imagined it.  Having been drinking for a few hours, the alcohol can sometimes make things happen in my mind that in reality did not.  So I relax and let her keep going.  But then I feel the pressure again.  It was at this time I realized what was happening.  She was biting down on my dick through my jeans.  I was being attacked by a half drunk stripper on who knows what drugs.  Thankfully the song was ending when I realized what the bitch was doing.  I guess the biting of the ear should have been my first clue.  If I had agreed for another dance, I can only imagine what the whore would have done.  She might have just chomped down and tried to bite it off.  Now after this close call, it made me realize something.  Strippers are coke heads, drinkers, and fiends.  And one night they may just go off crazier than usual.  Then you will not only end up with scars, but possibly a stump.

How many times have you had the stripper grind up on you only to slam down a 10 inch stiletto heel mere inches away from your special friend.  Instead, she gets your leg.  Not enough to bleed, but enough to leave a nice mark for your wife or girlfriend to see in the morning.  Now, after leaving the club, I not only had the reek of stripper on me, but I had a new fear instilled in me.  I learned that strippers attack.  One thing I am glad about though is that this was not a private stripper hired to perform at a suite or house.  Had she done it there, it may have looked like Kobe Tai in that scene from the movie Very Bad Things.  That ho would have been slammed up on a door hook as I threw her off me.  So this has lead me to the following realization.  Strippers are whores that are a cocaine sniff away from attacking you at any moment.  When you feel anything unusual happening down there, don’t be afraid to grab her and pull her off you.  You could be saving your future children by doing this,  So when dealing with strippers remember these few facts.  They are money grubbing whores there simply to take your money.  They are most often filled with cocaine, alcohol, and any other drugs they can get their hands on.  And finally, strippers are soulless dead on the inside creatures roaming the face of the earth.  The will attack without warning and without caution.  Stay away!!  If you come in contact though, throw a $20 on the ground and run when they pick it up.  I guess the bloodhound gang said it best, “The lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying.”

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