In Chin Deep

We all know the people that live in Hollyweird are a little off kilter to say the least.  Their apparent knowledge of politics, the environment, healthcare, and any other social cause you can think of has clearly shown us just how stupid they can be.  All you need to do is go near a group of women by the mini-fridge in the break room at the office to hear about the latest news.  News of course being that Jen Anniston and John Mayer broke up yet again.  Or Brangolina are adopting yet another kid to be scooped away and thrown into a world they will never understand.  Now the truly sad part is that this is what these people consider news.  Ask them about the recent market drops and they stare at you with a dumbstruck look on their face.  Ask if they know about the latest bailouts and they’ll say is that some new band.  Now before you smack them upside their head, take a minute to think why they consider this news.  If you, like I often am, are too lazy to look into it, have no fear, I have done some research for you.  Every article sited was found on the main page of a news site no lower than halfway down.  This being the general area that most people see when they first open a page. 

Now my first piece of evidence is a multi-tiered item.  It shows not only how sad the “news” has become, but also how pathetic the people they build up are too.  Now like many, I enjoy going to fark.com to get a funny take on the news.  Of course, they do have a lot real news on there, but sometimes they slip in some pointless stories just for shits and giggles.  But one of the stories, while amusing, just annoyed me that it was even considered news.  Apparently the star of the movie Twilight does not believe in washing his hair.  He goes on the talk about how dirty his apartment is and why should it matter, it’s just there for sleep. Now while the fact that someone considers this ok on its own is disgusting.  What makes it worse is that he is a person women fawn over and some men long to be like and so is considered news.  Take a fucking bath you disgusting bastard, and while you’re at, enjoy your 10 minutes of fame.  After these movies you’ll be hoping to do casting couch scenes and begging not to be shot in the eye for the money shot. 

This next example goes to show that people would rather know that some no talent hack was kicked off a show rather than what their government is doing or what else is happening in our world.  On Thursday night, I found on three different news sites the latest person to be kicked off American idol.  Now Fox News I would expect, simply because the show is on Fox.  Unfortunately though, CNN had it on their main page, and MSNBC had it on theirs too.  Of course, more bailout money was being considered, along with the Chinese discussing moving the world monetary unit from the dollar to possibly the Euro or some other form.  But no, Thursday, one of the biggest stories was “Idol’ sends oil roughneck Michael Sarver home”  Once again, America shows why we have become a nation full of unaware, dim witted morons

.

Now these next few examples, I will admit, I enjoyed reading each one.  As I tend to read a lot of news, I scroll through the sites and more than likely would have found them and read them anyway.  But sticking to our problem at hand, they were still considered main page news.  Apparently Bob Barker has a memoir coming out.  Understandably, he appeared on a recent taping of the show to promote it.  Yahoo news found this to be so important that they not only had it featured at the top part of their news page, but they also included a picture to draw your attention.  Mixed around this must read information was less important things such as the flooding in the midwest and $150 million will buy you Aaron Spellings home.  Some dead guys home and Bob Barker pushing a book is now considered mainstream news.

Now this next one I have to admit I enjoyed.  As a guilty pleasure, I have enjoyed watching the show Top Chef.  Yes, I know it’s cheesy but you get to see some good food and one of the judges is hot.  Padma Lakshmi has been on that show from the first season as one of three judges.  Beyond the show, I have no clue what she did before or does currently.  Honestly it doesn’t mean shit to me as it is her life ad I don’t need to know all about her latest adventures.  However, Fox News in their infinite wisdom and brilliance to attract readers thought that her new commercial was newsworthy.  Not even half way down the main page was a headline that would make most any man stop and click on, “Padma Lakshmi’s Does Food Porn.”  Now this headline alone would make me want to click and read more about this very important development, but they went one step better.  They included a picture on the main page to entice you even further.  Now once I click on the link, I am brought to a page with minimal writing, but a great set of photos from her new Hardee’s commercial.  That’s right, the “Breaking News” was that she did a new hot Hardee’s commercial.  Now while I find this entertaining, in no way should this be part of the main list of news of the day.  Of course, for your perusing pleasure I have included a link to this very well done piece of photojournalism.  Padma Lakshmi is fucking hot

Now this last bit of news was just another reason why CNN is no longer a real news site or news channel.  In an attempt to talk about the current financial problems of the country, this next piece is just awesome.  In an effort to draw people in, CNN did a report on a mom that has decided to bare more than her soul to get extra money.  After her day care business closed, she decided to go from watching kids to being watched by men, although couples always welcomed, at a local strip club.  Now my first issue with this is that there is no actual article to read, even if it’s just a paragraph.  Society has become so pathetic now they can’t even read news, they have to watch it.  Secondly, is there any more type of cheap and easy type of news piece than to simply make it about strippers.  Of course, with our great society, not only is this a part of the top  news stories on the main page, but it is also the most viewed report on the site.  Now I know there are human interests stories that the various news sources like to put out.  But come on, breaking news is not  “Out of work mom tries stripping”  Now while I of course was drawn to this, it does not belong on the top of your home page as breaking news.  Now before I continue, as with the previous news story, I have included a link to this wonderfully heart warming story.  Stripper moms

As I went surfing through various news sites, sadly I could not find one major U.S. News site that did not include some inane stories on their homepage as a part of their breaking news.  Some had stories about strippers, others talked of food porn.  Others talked about pointless crappy tv results like they were determining the direction of the country.  Has society become that pathetic now that for us to look at news we need useless crap thrown in too?  Sadly I believe the answer is yes.  So while we continue to crumble into a group of idiots completely ignorant to anything happening around us, I’m gonna go look for more stripper mom stories.

Popularity: 41% [?]

It seems to me that lately, every single time I turn on the news I get blasted with the terms “BREAKING NEWS!” It doesn’t matter if I am watching the local news or one of the cable news leaders. If I am watching the news, I can count on that flashy term getting flopped in my face like the breasts of a drunk girl at Mardi Gras.

The term “BREAKING NEWS” is not something new; in fact I can remember seeing it back when I was a little kid watching the news with my dad. The only thing that is different about it today is the fact that its meaning has been altered. You see, breaking news use to be actual news that happened relatively close to the time of the news broadcast. If an accident or a famous person died while the news was being aired, they would “break” in the middle of a broadcast with the “breaking” news. Nowadays the news media loves to use the term to bring up anything.

Take for example the other day with one of my local news leaders here in Sunny South Florida. This particular station’s evening newscast started with the weather, a story about the bad economy and tips on how to save money (while wearing Armani and Dolce clothing, covered in MAC makeup), and then…just then…the interruption happened. The lead anchorette said, “This just in, breaking news” and the suspenseful music started playing. She told us about a shooting that took place in the county and ended with a tiny note about the fact that it took place last night (at least 21 hours before the broadcast, victim already released from the hospital, shooter in custody). Now why the frack couldn’t they have simply told the story instead of advertising it like it was breaking news and you had to be on the lookout?!?! They do this for so many types of stories now…murders, weather disasters, plane crashes, kidnappings. Cover the story, but don’t act like it’s brand-fracking-new!

Shit like this is almost as bad as when the news media keeps you in suspense about the “dangers” in your own house. The “chemicals that you do not know that can kill you” in your pantry. I am so sick of hearing this crap that I no longer watch the news. I get my info from the place that most people do…the internet (provided they are quality sources like TMZ, the Sun, and the Daily Stalker).

Do me a favor, follow my lead, every time you see a “Breaking News” story and it isn’t breaking news…call the bastards out! Call, email, go to your news station and give them a piece of your mind!

Popularity: 29% [?]

So it’s March Madness time and that means two things for guys around the nation. Gambling and bracketology.  Now to those females out there that do not understand either term, most likely you fail to realize the stress this time can bring.  Often times there are multiple betting pools we will be involved in and this all but consumes us for the next few weeks.  Typically at least one of the pools will be an office related one, which adds another level of office stress that just is not needed.  So at this time, we offer you this quick tutorial in understanding men’s language that you can apply not just now, but year round.

Fine:  When asking about how your day was and it’s a quick “Fine!” that means it sucked and we sure as hell don’t want to talk about it.  Whether it was our boss being an asshole or jimmy in the mail department that just took the lead in the office pool, we do not want to relive the hellish experience.  However, if it is used at the end of an argument, it means fine, fuck you, I’m done dealing with this shit now!  More often than not it will be shouted because we know you understand better when we yell.

Five Minutes:  Five minutes in basketball, or most any sport, can mean anywhere from 10-30 minutes. It all depends on the amount of penalties and fouls called and tv timeouts taken.  While it can seem like a long amount of your time, for us it’s still only five minutes left in the game.  When dealing with leaving the house however, five  minutes means five minutes.  You need to adjust your time to get dressed based upon the original scheduled time of departure.  This means you do not try on ten different tops right before walking out the door just to go to dinner at Chili’s.

Nothing:  While similar to fine, it means it is a little more complex than simply falling behind in the pool.  Often times it means we bet a little more than we should have in our offshore accounts and are debating is it better to flee the country or cash in some family member’s life insurance policy.  The rest of the year, it means that whatever shit we are dealing with, we do not need to know what you think, nor your pain in the ass mom, or you bitter single friends that hate men would do.  As far as we are concerned, you can all choke on your help.  We are men and can figure this shit out on our own.

Yeah thanks:  Often times this will be the response when you ask if we would like you to go out with your friends. It will often be a very curt reply and will be our signal for you to leave us the fuck alone so we can enjoy the game.  Other times though, while having similar usage, it will be directed towards you pointing out how you did something for us that either we could have done ourselves or did not want done at all.  If you get a “Yeah, sure, thanks”  that means we are pissed off and you need to shut up about it now or we’re gone for the day to the golf course and driving range with our buddies.  And if you really pissed us off, then drinking all night with them.

Whatever:  This one is used when arguing and means I’m stopping this now because I know I am right but you’ll never grasp that.  This will often be the ending of an argument, much like Fine, but used only when we know we are right.  As we typically are right in the arguments, you will be more apt to hearing this from us. It can be used in all types of arguments, be it about why this game is important to watch or why you need to just be quiet and let me finish whatever project I am working on.

Although we understand this is a short list of vocabulary, we wanted to make sure that you ladies would be able to fully understand and maybe learn some of these words.  We are aware that it can be difficult for you to understand that you do not know everything and it can make learning hard for you.  While we let this information seep into those rather thick skulls of yours, we will be working on yet another set of vocabulary words for you in the coming weeks.  It is our hope here that you will eventually be able to understand us men and in doing so make not only our lives easier, but your lives too.  We do care about you women and want to do all we can to help you out in life.  Because let’s face it, in the end it is still all about making men’s lives easy.

Popularity: 100% [?]

I was listening to the radio this morning during the rush-hour crunch and heard an advertisement for upcoming concerts in the area. Of the list of bands, I heard a particular band that I was quite familiar with…mainly back in the day through high school…No Doubt. You could say I was pleasantly surprised to find out No Doubt was going to be touring again. Cool…so Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Adrian Young, and Gwen Stefani will be performing again as a group. The best part is that we will all get a break from Gwen Stefani’s stint at going solo. That stint has produced tons of suburban teeny-bopper music that is best suited at someone’s sweet sixteen instead of gracing my car radio.

I prefer to think of Gwen’s new music as an abortion of what was once a really hot chick in a cool band. I remember when I first saw the video of “Don’t Speak” and thinking, “Holy fuck, that girl is hot!” Flash forward several years and you get her breaking away from No Doubt to start producing songs like “Rich Girl “ and “Hollaback Girl.” Instead of a cool band, we have a hot chick covering herself up in some truly fucked up outfits and dancing around like a drugged-out circus monkey with a bunch of Asian back-up dancers called Harajuku girls. Where the fuck is the girl that filled many wet dreams? She got older, married the one-hit-wonder from BUSH, got knocked up, and spent many the day making really crappy music.

Now that No Doubt is back together and touring, does that mean we are done with Gwen’s terrible music? The truth is that I don’t know. I can only hope that just like a young girl whoring herself out to the football team, she has gotten her fill. In the meantime, I am going to buy some really over-priced tickets.

Popularity: 40% [?]

Spring is in the air and that can only mean one thing if you are in Florida.  It’s time for spring training.  Now to the average baseball fan, this may seem like a great thing, but if   you live here, it sucks.  First the waves of pain in the ass northerners start to fly down.  With a lot of midwest teams coming down here, we get those pale obese fucks flocking here like fatties to the fried twinkie booth at the local fair.  They clog the roads and restaurants for little over a month that is pure hell for locals.  Now normally I would bitch about these fucks and how they annoy me, but something more pisses me off this season.  The fucktard millionaires playing the game and acting like little bitches.

Before the season even started, there was the fallout from the steroid usage happening in the league.  First I gotta say, what the fuck are they doing?  How, in this day and age can you be so absolutely obtuse and think you can get away with using them?  The advances in drug testing have come a long way since the 80’s when everyone was just shooting up in the locker room.  You have fathead Barry Bonds saying it was just some cream he was using.  So because some specialist says use this cream, it’s gonna help you recover you will?  At that rate I could jerk off in a tube and say hey, this will help you recover quicker and make a thousand bucks.  Then we have A-rod, with obligatory yankees sucks!!!!!  How the hell do you honestly expect anyone to believe that you didn’t know what you were using.  When you had to have something shipped in from that third world cesspool called the Dominican Republic because it’s not sold here, that should be a clue momo.  Although I guess if you think with your dick all the time, the shrinkage from the roids could affect your intelligence level.  Now I know A-rod is not the only roid idiot out there.  There are many others out there who are going to live the rest of their life with a baby dick and fat head.  But let’s face it, the yankees suck and anytime you can get the fluffer of Jeter in trouble, it’s a good day.

Now while steroids are an issue, I find it less problematic than other things within baseball.  If these big headed morons want to juice up and destroy their bodies, it’s their choice.  If they get caught, then whatever laws they have broken then they will have to deal with whatever celebrity justice is served to them.  I’m more pissed off at the salaries these jackholes get and then complain they aren’t getting enough.  Let’s first go back to A-rod, cause let’s face it, he seems to just garner controversy with a lot of things.  His giant inflated salary hardly seems plausible.  Forget the astronomical amount of over a quarter of a billion dollars, what has he done to deserve it?  Yes, he is awesome in May and the talk begins is this the year he finally does good the whole season?  Then sometime after the all-star break, he starts to slide down like a gay man in a San Francisco bathhouse.  Then in August, cause they can’t even get into the playoffs anymore, the guy chokes harder than Jeter does going down on him in the locker room showers.  Every year it’s like clockwork.  When they need his skills the most, he chokes.  Really earning that salary he signed.

Now in this off season, there was Manny Ramirez of the dodgers.  Like a whiney little bitch in previous seasons, he wanted the big money he thought he deserves.  Now I will agree the guy is damn good and can definitely affect a team in a positive way.  His performance last season with the dodgers proves that.  However, that still does not mean he can act like a whiney little bitch.  When you first look at how he got to the dodgers, it’s enough to make you want to take a bat to his knees.  Because he wasn’t getting the contract he wanted, he basically shut down playing for a season because he wanted to be traded.  When you have already made tens of millions of dollars, how the fuck can you complain about a 3-5 million dollar difference.  When you are playing a damn kids sport for a job, you should be happy getting even the league minimum of $100,000.  That is for doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the bench the entire season, not getting into even one game as a pinch hitter or pinch runner.  The average salary is over 3 million and even that is more than enough to live comfortably on for years.  These prissy little players that will take a day off because of a hangnail, how the hell can you say you’re working tough and earning that money.  Get out there and if you’re lucky play your eight months of baseball and shut the hell up.  You already get at least four months off, and if you suck, you are rewarded with even more time off.

So I say this to you, the whiney, prissy, little bitches that play baseball.  Don’t bitch to us about how you’re not being paid enough.  You are getting more than you are worth.  Only having two Bentley’s instead of three is not a life altering problem that should affect your playing.  Get out there and play and appreciate that you are being paid for simply playing a kid’s game.  You are living the American dream, so shut the hell up.  If you keep bitching, I hope at some point you fall in the locker room and have a broken splintered bat shoved up your ass.  You deserve nothing less if you start talking contract negotiations during the season.  When I pay $50 for a ticket and then another $30 for a beer and hot dog, you better be hustling your ass around the diamond.  If not, be prepared to be heckled.  I will make you my bitch from the stands by the end of the game. That is my right and I will surely use it.  And no conversation about baseball would be complete without ending it with this nationally appreciated line.

YANKEES SUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

Popularity: 80% [?]

Bernie Madoff is the fuck who was responsible for tons of greedy douchebags and charitable organizations losing most or nearly all of their money. He was once the renowned former chairman of the NASDAQ SE and now has become a household name, having been charged with carrying out one of the most amazing investor fraud cases ever perpetrated. His connections span the globe. At this moment, he is currently under house-arrest until he has to face his indictment….hoping and waiting that his wealth and connections can help him.

As a result of what Bernie has done, there are a good amount of people out there that wish harm towards this man. I myself am not one of those people. I do not believe in “wishing someone harm,” however, I do believe in Karma. I believe that Karma can befall people like him and restore the natural order. So until Karma comes along, lets hop in the imagination machine and imagine what forms it could come in…such as one of the following:

POISONING: Maybe he is secretly a foodie (food aficionado) and loves nothing but the most exotic and new creations. Let’s say that one particular night he decides to kick it up a notch and has some five-star chef come to his place to prepare him Fugu (blowfish, lethal if not prepared correctly). Unfortunately, Karma could make sure that the chef preparing the Fugu had a slight case of the flu, resulting in blurry vision while carving up the aquatic delight, leaving substantial amounts of the poisonous toxin flowing into each bite of his delicious meal. As his nervous system shuts down from ingesting the toxin, maybe he would think about all the bad things he has done while watching his five-star chef prepare to show off his ever building necrophilia fetish.

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION: What if he is one of those guys that can only orgasm by cutting off his air supply? Maybe he will decide that he needs to take his mind off of the upcoming indictment by getting off on extreme bondage play. Maybe that includes choking himself with a rope around his neck while it is tied to one of the ceiling beams in his luxurious apartment. If that were true, then karma might cause him to tie the knot on the rope around his neck too tight resulting in him not being able to remove it in time to catch that last breathe during climax. Instead, the real climax would be him hanging from a beam like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party.

ELECTROCUTION: Now the previous one maybe too extreme for the market mogul…so let’s say that he decided to relax with a hot bath, candles and some Vanessa Carlton (suburban white girl music) on his nearby Bose sound system. It’s relaxing…it’s warm…it’s humid and everything is getting slippery. What if Karma caused him to accidentally knock the now slippery sound system into the tub while singing “making your way down town” along to the young Ms. Carlton? He would have to make his way down town in a coroner’s van.

No matter what happens, even if the bastard doesn’t have Karma befall him in this life, it will befall him in the next life. Maybe he will come back, reincarnated in the form of one of the most vile and unfortunate creatures to walk the Earth…maybe the next reality tv star.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Ok, so we have all been through it or will go through it at some point.  Eventually everyone experiences the passing of a friend into the death that is better known as marriage.  Now I know the women out there will not appreciate hearing that, but tough titties, that’s just how it is.  No longer will the best bud be there for the weekends of drunken debauchery at a moments notice.  No longer will they be able to hang out and watch the game every week.  Their weekends will consist of trips to your local home improvement store.  Maybe if they are feeling adventurous, they will make a side trip to starbucks on their way to Bed Bath and Beyond.  This is just the beginning, because once kids are involved, then you may as well ditch the guy’s number.  Unless you want to hit on bitter divorced moms at Chuck E Cheese or whatever other local kid jailhouse you can drop the reprobates off at for some free time.  Of course though, this does have one redeeming aspect as the ending of a normal friendship.  The two words that all fiances fear and loathe…Bachelor Party!!.

Recently I was partaking in one of these final send offs and had something happen that was unexpected and very unnerving.  As we all know, bachelor parties always end up at strip clubs.  They always have, always will, it’s just one of the laws of nature.  So we ended up at one of the fine local gentlemen clubs in the area for a night of drunkenness and titties.  We get there and are taken to the vip section, cause that’s how we roll.  We have a bevy of ladies stopping by to provide some minimal conversation and sit on our laps.  Of course some get our attention more than others.  Like the Cuban named Isabella, or the typical Mandy, Sierra, Lexxie, or Nikki.  As the night progresses, we all go off and get lapdances.  Depending on the woman depends on how long we were getting one.  Some women just deserved getting a longer dance than others.  Eventually the alcohol kicks in and the money rolls out quicker.

So I’m sitting there just chilling when Crystal decides my lap is a good place to sit down and relax.  She was a pretty good looking brunette with a tight little body.  So she starts talking telling me about how she’s working her way through college.  I know, what a big fucking surprise, the stripper working her way through school.  Then I hear how life isn’t always fair cause look a her, she’s a stripper.  Next she goes on to tell me about what she’s had to drink for the night and can she just sit on my lap for a while cause she’s tired of dancing.  Since the music was relatively loud I could drown her out and just chill.   Eventually, I say I want a dance and she leads me to the back.  We get to the back room and she starts doin her thing.  She’s grinding her ass up on me and stickin her titties in my face like a good stripper does.  Then things start to go wrong.  At first she straddles me and as she is grinding I start to feel a tugging on my ear.  Then I realize not only is she nibbling my ear, but I feel the snake like movements of her tongue flicking my ear.  Due to the massive amounts of alcohol, I don’t really think about the level of disgustingness that truly is at the time.  God only knows where the hell that tongue had been before and it’s best to not think about it.  Now of that was the worst of it, I could deal with that.  Nothing that some industrial cleaning solvent and multiple showers couldn’t cure.  But, that wasn’t it.  The horror didn’t end there.

She kept going and doing her thing.  After a minute, I realize she had slid down between my legs.  Now any guy would of course think all right, this is gonna get interesting.  Mentally I’m already thinking “Dear Penthouse, you’ll never guess what happened to me at the strip club last night.”  So she’s doing her thing all the while peter the purple yogurt slinger is still in my jeans.  Now after about a minute of her grinding, I suddenly feel some pressure that doesn’t seem right.  I look down and see her biting down on peter through my jeans.  As soon as I feel it happening, the pressure went away.  So of course I’m thinking I just imagined it.  Having been drinking for a few hours, the alcohol can sometimes make things happen in my mind that in reality did not.  So I relax and let her keep going.  But then I feel the pressure again.  It was at this time I realized what was happening.  She was biting down on my dick through my jeans.  I was being attacked by a half drunk stripper on who knows what drugs.  Thankfully the song was ending when I realized what the bitch was doing.  I guess the biting of the ear should have been my first clue.  If I had agreed for another dance, I can only imagine what the whore would have done.  She might have just chomped down and tried to bite it off.  Now after this close call, it made me realize something.  Strippers are coke heads, drinkers, and fiends.  And one night they may just go off crazier than usual.  Then you will not only end up with scars, but possibly a stump.

How many times have you had the stripper grind up on you only to slam down a 10 inch stiletto heel mere inches away from your special friend.  Instead, she gets your leg.  Not enough to bleed, but enough to leave a nice mark for your wife or girlfriend to see in the morning.  Now, after leaving the club, I not only had the reek of stripper on me, but I had a new fear instilled in me.  I learned that strippers attack.  One thing I am glad about though is that this was not a private stripper hired to perform at a suite or house.  Had she done it there, it may have looked like Kobe Tai in that scene from the movie Very Bad Things.  That ho would have been slammed up on a door hook as I threw her off me.  So this has lead me to the following realization.  Strippers are whores that are a cocaine sniff away from attacking you at any moment.  When you feel anything unusual happening down there, don’t be afraid to grab her and pull her off you.  You could be saving your future children by doing this,  So when dealing with strippers remember these few facts.  They are money grubbing whores there simply to take your money.  They are most often filled with cocaine, alcohol, and any other drugs they can get their hands on.  And finally, strippers are soulless dead on the inside creatures roaming the face of the earth.  The will attack without warning and without caution.  Stay away!!  If you come in contact though, throw a $20 on the ground and run when they pick it up.  I guess the bloodhound gang said it best, “The lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying.”

Popularity: 16% [?]

Unless you’ve been living a fuckin’ cave for the past 6 months, you’ve probably heard about the truly disturbing story behind the disappearance of Caylee Anthony. Let me start by saying that this is a truly sad story. And that’s all the sympathy you’ll get from me today…

CNN began taking advantage of this misfortune as soon as the story broke. First, CNN reported this missing child just like the rest of the media retards. And as the story got cold and few viewers cared any more, CNN just wouldn’t let it die. They eventually gave that annoying biotch Nancy Grace permission to sit and run her annoying fucking mouth about the situation for what seems like 12 hours every day.

Normally, I don’t complain about bad TV programs because I just don’t watch them. However, each day as I flip between CNN (my favorite news station) and FOX (which I watch for entertainment purposes cause those douchebags have funny things to say), I have to pass the “All Nancy Grace, All the Time” station (which is also owned by CNN). No matter how quickly I push the ‘channel-up’ button, it’s never fast enough for me to avoid hearing the shrilly voice and seeing the angry, constipated look that comprises Nancy Grace.

Day-in and day-out, Nancy beats the splooge out of the Caylee Anthony story. As she recklessly bellows, CNN repeatedly shows the same photos and plays the same video of Casey Anthony, the accused mother. And in each photo and each video clip, the young Casey is shown partying, laughing and enjoying life despite the status of her missing daughter. I’ll have to admit, this is the only good part of the coverage. There’s something about a baby-killing sex-panther that just gets me going.

Enough of that; Today I vented my anger of the whole situation by drafting the following letter to CNN. In my letter, I express how I feel about their coverage of the Caylee story:

A Letter to CNN
Dear CNN,
I’m writing to you to tell you how I feel about your coverage the Caylee Anthony story. I think you may be overdoing this story a little bit. Did you know that there are over 2,000 children that go missing every day? I’d like to tell you that I think there may be children other than Caylee Anthony that deserve some attention, too. Do you think you could cover their stories too? True, the other missing children may not be white and their moms may not be hot little sex-buckets. But you may be able to help them if you give them some exposure on your fine television station. Look, I’m not a complete dummy- I realize that you need these things for your ratings. After all, who wants to watch sob stories about ugly minority children. I just think it would be nice if you reported all the news, and not just the sexy stories.

Also, if you wouldn’t mind, please replace Nancy Grace with another angry and equally incapable of pleasing men, woman. We’d all sleep a lot better if we didn’t have to hear her annoying voice and see her stupid, annoying face on TV all night as she bitches about whatever the fuck she’s always bitching about. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to your response. No matter what you decide, I still like you guys more than those douchebags over at FOX.

XOXO
-ricko

For your viewing pleasure:

Nancy Grace is Owned

Popularity: 10% [?]