In Chin Deep

On a recent night out of drinking, as it so often does, meeting women at a bar was brought up into the discussion.  Now of course we all have our own views of those we meet at a bar and where it may lead.  More often than not it is someone that we would enjoy for the night, and maybe a few more after, but that’s about it.  It is generally accepted that bars and clubs are meant for short term hookups as we travel down the path of life.  Typically men are the ones that have to work to get a girl.  Buying drinks for them and any friends they are with is a given.  Slowly breaking the chosen one from the pack as the night progresses is almost an art form.  The problem though is that as men, we don’t realize what we are truly up against.  It’s not just the ugly friend that doesn’t want to go home alone while you bang the shit out of her girlfriend, but an entire secret society of fatties and ugly friends working against us.

Recently, an operative of this esteemed site brought to our attention the secret underworld of the women’s bathroom.  The common practice of going in pairs has just been accepted, but never truly questioned.  Is there more to this than we realize?  Based on this new startling evidence, there just may be.  We have learned that not only is there the typical girl talk about what guy they should talk to, but an entire network literally written out to screw guys over.  It is worse than we ever thought possible.  However, based on the writings, we can break down a reasonable defense that takes minimal effort and still keeps you in the game.

First we will address one of the easiest ones.  This one typically will be used by the strong business woman that feels she will never get ahead because she is a woman.  You can almost always spot her at happy hour as the woman in the ant suit outfit and often with a short haircut.  She wants to be like Hillary Clinton but is not willing to have members of her staff killed to protect her rise to power.  These packs can be dangerous to break apart but it can be done.  The best strategy is to wait for one to break from the pack to get a drink.  Don’t move over too far at the bar for her to get her order and you just subtly hinted you see her as an equal.  This initial hint allows you to comment about the time it takes for drinks or some other pointless banter.  Either way, you just made her feel like more than the typical piece of ass at happy hour and have a way in.  Or this could just be put there from the fat pissed of ugly friend.

This next one is a little tougher but still workable.  There are two types that can fall into this category.  The true gold diggers, which should just be avoided unless you are pulling in 7-8 figures a year or the Starbucks drinking, Chanel or any other expensive brand name sunglasses wearing, fake Louis bag woman.  If it is the latter of the two, it may cost a little, but with some effort you’ll be giving her your own white mocha latte.  As usual, they will be in a pack, usually 2-3.  Often times they like to pretend they are those annoying bitches from sex and the city drinking their martinis and talking about their last designer bullshit item they bought or last guy they had.  With this group the key is all about timing and placement.  If you can get a table near them, half the battle is over. Simply order some over priced bottle and make it loud enough for them to hear.  This should grab their attention.  When the bottle gets there, say you guys don’t want to drink it all yourselves and invite them to join in.  Make a point to ask if they want refills on their drinks and make sure it’s top shelf.  Eventually they can see the tab adding up and will be impressed.  Yes, they usually are that easy to impress.  It just becomes a matter of divide and conquer.  Now if this fails, then they are true gold diggers and you want to just walk away.  Or it was just another case of the fat ugly friend striking again.

This kind of chic is pretty simple, but it comes with a couple of prerequisites.  First you must have at least one dog, minimum 25 pounds, or if you’re a tool and have cats, you must have 2 and a good story for them.  The woman often is a big animal lover and typically big hearted.  They are not always the easiest to spot but just think midwestern type that has yet to be defiled.  That of course is your job.  Often times it won’t take long for the subjects of pets to come up with these types.  Simply say you got the dog from the pound cause you believe in saving a dog rather than supporting puppy mills.  If this doesn’t make her start to undress you with her eyes, then more than likely it’s the fat ugly friend striking again.

This last one is the toughest to deal with and often times is pointless.  Typically the girl will be out of a recent relationship, usually long term.  This will also be the largest and meanest pack that you will have to come against.  All the claws will be out and they will rebuff just about any attempts.  This is best attempted with at least 2-3 wingmen, and depending on the pack, maybe more.  The main goal is to be next to hear within 15 minutes.  If you can get at least 1 laugh within 3 minutes, her defense is down.  This is when taking psych 101 will come in handy. Let her talk a little about the breakup.  Give the periodic nod along with a “oh I’m so sorry” or “what a heartless creep”.  Basic sympathy will go along way.  Keep this up for a while and eventually the other friends will have less control and she will be yours for the taking.  Of course, all of this could come crashing down with our favorite person. The fat ugly friend may take her off to the bathroom and remind her she is too good for you, just like her ex.  This will require a major sacrifice from one of the wingmen.  He must keep the fat ugly friend engaged to prevent her running interference otherwise it’s game over.  If you can actually get her though, it will be some of the best hardcore, rough, pull the hair, screaming vengence sex you will experience.

Of course there are other types out there that can affect you, so you must always be ready.  The real lesson here though is pretty simple.  Fat ugly friends are the kryptonite for any guy at the bar.  Even when they are not there, they have designed a network across women’s bathrooms to still continue their reign of ugly terror.  They are the curse of men everywhere.  Forget Al-qaeda, they are the real threat to society.  Unfortunately there is not much we can do except plan ahead to deal as best we can.  And of course, as the last resort, you can always keep buying food for them to shovel in their fat mouths so they can’t talk and hopefully choke.  Good luck and Godspeed.

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