In Chin Deep

Most people have a place that they go to for escape from stress. Some people have the beach, the library, or even the movies.  Others hire a dominatrix to beat the shit out of them…sickos (no judgment). Me? Well, I choose to get rid of my stress the healthy way. I like to go to the gym and tax my body to the point that I completely forget the reason why I was so stressed out. I can spend anywhere from 1 to 2 hours a day at the gym. It makes the stress melt away. However, there is a way to completely destroy the rejuvenating effects of working out…and that is being around other people that do not know how to behave at the gym. When you walk into most gyms, almost all, you will see a sign telling you about proper gym etiquette and attire. Those rules are great, but I am talking about the rules that aren’t on those boards…the unspoken rules of the gym.

First, the gym is a place to work out…and possibly pick up girls with self-esteem problems…not a place to chit-chat with your buddies about your latest acquisition so that you can feel better about your tiny penis. It’s amazing how many fucks go to the gym just to talk about their new car or job instead of actually working out. My favorite is the plethora of bad stock tips and lofty business ideas. I absolutely love when you catch one of these morons going on and on about a “sure thing” they heard about from their “insider” contact and then you find them leaving the gym in a 1990 Honda Civic with a “Living the Dream” bumper sticker pasted on the back. I do not mind small-talk, but if you want to boast about the shit you have or have in imagination land, then go elsewhere. Do your sets and shut up! I need to use that machine, asshole.

Second, allow for breathing room between machines. This is kind of like urinal etiquette (Urinal Etiquette), but not as awkward. Now keep in mind that this really only applies to when there are many open machines available. Let’s say that you are working out at the gym and there are a bunch of treadmills open. You grab a machine that has the perfect view of CNN and that girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts that say “Go Local College or Sports Team.” You have your ideal spot, you are working out, and you are in the zone…just then…some fucktard decides that none of the other dozen machines are good enough, and he/she wants to use the one right next to you. I guess you could take this as a complement, but 9 times out of 10, the person looks like they are missing a couple chromosomes. Don’t invade my personal space. Use one of the other open machines, you creepy fuck!

Third, don’t sing along to the music! The music is played so that you can work out long and hard…not so you can show everyone that you would like to be on American Idol. I remember having to put up with this one guy that loved to sing and dance along to his walkman that contained the best hits of Christina Aguilera and Celine Dion. He was a fit guy, apparently from the singing and dancing more than the lifting and running, so he was actually there work out. I am not going to lie to you. The first time I saw this guy singing while working out, I thought it was really fracking funny. However, after seeing it so many times, it really began to grow old. I was starting to use it as motivation to get through my sets so I could move to another part of the gym. Rule of thumb, if you feel the urge to sing then fight it!

Fourth, no spitting in the drinking fountain. Seriously, do you actually need someone to tell you not to do this? You are a total asshole to do this. There really is not much else to add on this one. If you do this, then you need to be pushed into traffic while fully handcuffed.

Fifth, put some fucking clothes on! You finished drying off from your shower over thirty minutes ago. I do not need to see your bait and tackle dangling near any part of me. No, this doesn’t stem from some latent homophobia or the fact that my childhood friend use to surprise me and my other friends with “naked time” during sleepovers. It’s a plain and simple courtesy, douchebag! Go elsewhere if you want to be an exhibitionist.

Shower with the curtain closed! Most gyms, at least mine, have separate shower stalls with curtains. The curtains are placed in each shower stall for a reason..for PRIVACY! The last thing I need to see while I head to the shower to rinse off is you working your frackin’ pole with a bottle of Axe body wash for freaks. The only thing I want to see doing that is the girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts from the second rule I mentioned.

All in all, remember the real purpose of the gym.  Its for working out and getting healthy. Its also a place to release stress. So stay the fuck away, freaks! And to the girl in the grey boyshorts and tiny white top…you can use the treadmill to my right, anytime!

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