Proper Urinal Etiquette for 2009 and Beyond
Using a public urinal can seem like a pretty simple task. It’s sort of like peeing outside except that your inside and you’re almost guaranteed to experience some splash back. Yet we are still thankful for this important invention. If it weren’t for the urinal, guys would be waiting in line for the bathroom just like the chicks we harass on our way to use it.
Despite years of practice and urinal experience, most of us still don’t understand proper urinal etiquette. It’s too bad that such a pleasant task can be ruined by the inappropriate behavior of other urinal-patrons. Today, I seek to clarify some of the unspoken rules which outline the proper use of a urinal. These apply to both men and women, so long as they are using the urinal in the men’s room. Please remember that restroom norms vary across cultures so slight adjustments to these policies may be necessary. When it doubt, don’t ask your fellow urinal patrons. That’s just creepy…
To begin, Wikipedia defines urinal as a specialized toilet used for urinating (only). For the most part, urinals are meant to be used while standing. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.
General Rules for Proper Urinal Usage
Usage: Urinals should only be used for urinating (see definition). Vomit, feces and other solid or semi-solid material should be saved for the toilet (which we’ll cover in future posts). These materials can clog the urinal and cause problems for other urnators.
Talking: Talking is usually socially acceptable in a urinal environment. However, conversation topic should be limited to small talk topics like chicks and sports. Save the bromance until you get back to the bar.
Spitting: Spitting is also accepted. It’s only natural to have a desire to spit while peeing into a urinal.
Eye contact: No. Definitely not.
Farting: Again, generally accepted. In fact, loud farts command praise from your urinal-buddies.
Cell phones: Cell phone conversation is usually okay. Just don’t get caught whispering sweet-nothings to the slut you are banging into the phone. That’s sort of creepy too.
Drinks: This is a personal call. It’s a pretty bad idea (germs) to bring drinks in the bathroom but sometimes it can better than the alternative.
Urinal Positioning and Configurations
Now, we’ll take a look at a few real life examples of urinal configurations. We’ll describe each configuration, particularly how the configuration will affect your urinal positioning.
The Straight Five Urinal Configuration
General comments: The Straight Five urinal configuration is a basic configuration where all five urinals are placed side by side. Since there are so many acceptable combinations, it’s fairly difficult to cause a problem in this scenario.
Difficulty level: Easy
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 and/or #5 is in use
Your move: Take #3
Scenario B: #2 or #4 is in use
Your move: Use #5 if #2 is in use and #1 if #4 is in use
Scenario C: #3 is in use
Your move: Use #1 or #5
Scenario D: #2 and #4 are in use
Your move: #1 and #5 are the only reasonable options. Using #3 would be rude.
The Two Urinal + Sink Configuration
General comments: Two urinals sit side-by-side with a wall on one end and a sink on the left. This configuration can be difficult for the urinal loser who stands adjacent to the sink.
Difficulty level: Medium-Hard
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 is in use
Your move: Use # 2 only if the stall is not available. Avoiding peeing in #2 when sink in use.
Scenario B: #2 is in use
Your move: Use of urinal #1 is acceptable
Scenario C: #1 and #2 are in use and your drunk and it’s late
Your move: Use of the sink is only acceptable if those around you are equally as drunk. Warning: Most people in the room will think that you’re a complete dick. Remember: It’s only okay to use the sink when it is this close to a urinal.
Outdoor Quad-Urinal Configuration
General comments: 4 urinals facing each other but separated by impermeable plastic wall. This is usually a challenging pee for those with stage fright. Otherwise, there’s something sickly pleasant about peeing in the middle of a crowded town-square.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on phobias
Scenarios
N/A. Anything goes in the situation.
The Dreaded Trough Urinal Configuration
General comments: A trough-shaped toilet capable of accommodating several peeing fools at one time. There are no established rules except to fend for yourself.
Difficulty level: Difficult
Scenarios:
N/A. When using a trough-style urinal, always avoid the drain spot. This is where the urine of all your peeing buddies will flow to. If you thought your own splash-back was bad, it can be worse. I’ve even been know to hold my pee until a non-drain spot became available. (Note: This action does not make you less of a man)
The WTF (what the fuck?) Urinal
General comments: Any configuration of toilets that is out of the ordinary. You can’t prepare for these so you have to go with gut instinct. Sometimes it’s best to wait for a stall to become available and skip the urinal all together.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on configuration.
Quick Tips for Urinating Success
- When unsure of proper etiquette, follow the lead of the most experience user. That’s right, do what the old guy is doing. Unless he’s really old and is doing things that would indicate loss of memory.
- No matter what, it’s never okay to ask for help.
To conclude this guide, I’ve located a couple of great videos on the topic. The views and opinions in these videos may or may not conform to the rules you’ve seen here. Still, I think these do a great job of expressing the main points.
Proper Urinal Eitiquette
Urinal Rules
The Great-Urinal Photo Gallery
Holy… Piss?
Stage fright
Hmmm..
Popularity: 44% [?]
Tough to comment….no prior experience
[...] allow for breathing room between machines. This is kind of like urinal etiquette (Urinal Etiquette), but not as awkward. Now keep in mind that this really only applies to when there are many open [...]
Very well-written and informative post. I laughed my a$$ off!!! Every man on the planet should read and understand these rules above and beyond almost anything else.
Excellent article, which provides timely tips for children who are about to be able to use urinals (like, tall enough), and those who have been flouting the rules for years (from peeing on the sides of buildings, to trying to deal with “stadium bladder” at half-time, or between periods).
Since we have (finally) this open forum, please elaborate on the use of the “Turkish toilet.” For those unfamilar with these devices, they comprise a hole in the floor with treadles either side. You either stand on the treadles and pee, or squat backwards somehow, aim your bum at the hole and defecate.
Since most of these things appear in Europe, toilet paper is either optional, or available at extra cost from some crone guarding the door (four squares for 20 centimes).
Flushing involves getting your feet off the treadles, and pulling a chain connected to an overhead tank. Then you step smartly back so as to avoid getting your shoes wet.
Questions arise, like:
1) What happens when you have diarrhea? Do you just end up with a brown stain on the back of your waistband?
2) What do old people do who have arthritis in their knees?
3) Is it better just to hold it in until you find a “real” toilet?
All of these questions should be explored, and answered (hopefully) for the convenience of North Americans and Brits.
This is a good, well thought out article on peeing etiquette. Same goes for the ladies restroom. Don’t go into a stall next to an occupied one when the other 5 are VACANT! Bloody hell and holy mary urinal! I’d like one.
I’m a woman and I pee standing up. I’ve also been known to go in men’s toilets on a number of occasions to use their urinals and can use any type with ease! I stand and face the urinal just like men do and aim my pee into it, and I don’t have to remove any clothing to do it. Simple! It saves queuing outside women’s toilets at large public events and eliminates having to hover over a grotty WC. Just curious, but how is this urinal etiquette meant to apply when a woman walks into the men’s (that’s got ya thinking hasn’t it?), or does it just throw the whole system to the wall, so to speak?
Bunnykins: nice of you that you could pee in urinal like men.
almost all men would not ever look at others when they are in bathroom doing their business. basically you would follow same urinal etiquette.