In Chin Deep

We’ve all seen them out there.  They disgust you at the gym.  They make you want to break your beer bottle over their head at the bar.  When you’re at a football game, you want to just punch them in the chest so they shut up.  Who is this mystery person that causes nothing but hatred.  It’s that old guy that is grasping to his last bit of youth that he believes is still there.  You know who I’m talking, the douchebag that goes back to the frat house homecoming weekend to relive the glory days.  We all know someone like this, and God help you if you are one of these guys.  To help those out there who are scratching their slowly balding head wondering if they fit into this category, we’ll break down a few of the typical guys.  Also, if you are stuck being near these guys, we’ll give some tips on dealing with them when possible.

The first guy we’ll discuss is the creepy old guy at the gym. There are a few ways to tell if you fall into this category.  First off, if you wear those parachute pants that were popular in the late 80’s and early 90’s that every wrestler wore, this is a clear sign.  Most likely you will have an old school muscle shirt on and it will be tucked in.  Generally they can be seen in the free weight area and spending most of their time looking in the mirror.  The sad part is what they see in the mirror rarely reflects reality.  The following should illustrate this point.  Often times they will travel in packs, so ladies beware.  Avoid any eye contact or they will take that as a sign of interest and will hound you the rest of the time you are there.  If they try to but into your set, simply max out your weight and let them try to lift it.  Nine times out of ten they will struggle and leave without a word

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The next area you can find these guys at are the bars and clubs.  Here they tend to stick out rather easily.  Often times they have those horrible fake tans.  The haircut of the moment that they see in movies and on tv.  Often times they will have on shirts that no straight man would wear, but they saw something like it in Maxim so they thought it was cool.  Often times they will migrate towards the vip section in an attempt to show they have money to make up for their age and receding hair lines.  Typically these are the most creepy ones you’ll find.  The age difference between the guys and the women they are trying to impress will vary between 25-35 years.  They tend to act like assholes and try way too hard to impress the ladies.  Often times, while under the influence of alcohol and the belief he is 30 years younger, one will try and start a fight.  It’s best to ignore, or better yet, laugh at them and take whatever ladies are with them outside and bang in your car.

Next we come to the old jock that still thinks he can play.  Most of the time he played a few years in high school, maybe made it to some college, and then faded away.  Most likely he will be in the stadium parking lot as soon as it opens setting up to tailgate.  He’ll have his old jersey on or some sort of stupid costume on.  Often times they will carry signs with them to draw more attention to themselves.  

This is their way of letting the whole section he is sitting know just how big an asshole he is. Now some mix of classic rock will be blaring and plenty of beer will be on hand for him to get piss drunk on before the game.  Now normally that may not sound too bad, until you factor in the stories of I can still play bullshit.  This inevitably leads to running the old plays through the parking lot.  If he’s lucky he will only hurt himself by tripping or running into a light post.  Sadly though, often times he will hit a car with his errant pass, crash into either a bbq or table covered in food, or run into a car.  If you time it right though, a leg out to trip as he runs by or bending down to grab something and coming up to lay a shoulder into them can often times solve the problem.  The other upside is if their team loses, you can watch them break down.

Now what does this teach us?  That there will always be dumb assholes out there trying to cling to their youth.  They will not be able to grow up and will be forever stuck in that frat boy or even worse high school mentality.  I say enjoy your youth while you have it, but as you get older don’t be afraid of it, embrace it.  Go from pounding beers and shots to enjoying that $100 plus bottle of scotch and hand rolled cigars.  Realize you can still impress without looking like a fucking moron.  Refine and hone these skills and you can still get the women you want.  The big difference will be that they will stay with you rather than get some free drinks only to leave when the bar closes for the night.  And if you can’t, then don’t bitch when I drop a shoulder into you at the game or someone calls you gay at the bar.

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