In Chin Deep

Let’s face it; protesting has always been a popular pastime. It makes people feel good to get out there and express an opinion in situations over which we really have no control. So when the government, our employers or another group does something that we don’t like, we call all our hippy friends and arrange a protest.

Protesting almost seems to be in our blood. Across oceans and generations, people are protesting. And in this country, our righteous founding fathers decided that it was important to protect our right to protest in the First Amendment.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever actually protested. I remember way back when I was in middle school, we were supposed to protest the firing of a few teachers. But I chickened out and decided it would be better to stay in English class. Judging by my inability to write coherent sentences, I’m not sure if it paid off. But I felt bad afterwards because I didn’t support a cause that I truly believed in, at the time.

Now, I try to support most protesters. When I see protesters carrying signs that read, “Honk to bring home the troops,” I’ll gladly honk; although I don’t think my honk is really helping to bring home the troops. Additionally, if I meet a protester, I’ll say something like, “Good for you, man! Get out there and protest that shit.” I think it’s important to support protesters, even if you don’t take part in the protest personally. After all, we need motivated people out there letting our dummy governing bodies know when we don’t approve of their ridiculous behavior.

There are as many reasons to protests as there are slutty girls on college campuses. Sometimes people protest new government policy like a war, taxes or partnership with another country of questionable integrity. Labor unions protest when the businesses whom they suck the blood from try to stand up for their rights to remain competitive in global markets. Students protest just about anything if it will get them out of class and in good with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Religious folks protest, well, all the time… Here are some of my favorite reasons to protest.

The Cops Beat-up Some Dude
Occasionally, members of the law enforcement community get a little worked-up and beat some poor sole within inches of his death. Usually, this beating takes place shortly after this innocent sole has been captured after a high speech chase. Within hours, the neighboring community typically responds by destroying the surrounding area where the event occurred, setting fires, throwing rocks and shouting at police. This is their way of saying, “Hey guys, we don’t agree that you beat up that dude and we’d like you to apologize for it. O yeah… and hang all those responsible.”

When the smoke has cleared and the crowds have all gone home or been taken into custody, everyone feels better. The protest was a success. Those who were angry were able to release their aggression and the police were reminded that beating up people, no matter how guilty or what crime they’ve committed, isn’t okay. A simple kick to the groin and a free ride back to the station would have save a whole lot of hassle. I think we all should give kudos to the rioters, errr, protesters, who are out there keeping law enforcement in-check.

Jesus Freaks
Religion baffles me but religious freaks baffle me more. We’ve all seen the Jesus freaks protesting. They usually show up to big parties like Mardis Gras and remind us of our sins. They also like to protest government policies that threaten mankind like when those crazy gays try to go and get married and adopt children. Fortunately, these groups tend to keep their protests on the peaceful side, although they can make things a little awkward. I wonder if the bible teaches them to judge others or if they come up with that idea on their own…

Hate Groups

These guys are great. I say ‘guys’ because it usually is a bunch of guys. They get out there and remind us how absolutely idiotic we humans can be. Sometimes, it’s fairly obvious to spot Hate protests; cone hats and bed sheets come to mind. Other times, they are positions as ‘civil rights’ protests. No matter what label you give these peaceful gatherings, the message is the same; We don’t like you and we want to know.

Even I don’t personally agree with the message portrayed in all protests, I think it’s important to protect the right to protest that we’ve been granted. If people are given no outlet to express their outrage, the outrage will get bottled up causing more 9/11s, columbines, and disgruntled postal worker shootings.

(Insert Cause Here) Rights Activists
Gays, veterans, minorities, midgets, women, transsexuals and others all have a reason to protest on almost a daily basis. Let’s face it; policies in effect screw us all in one way or another. Because of this, there is never a shortage of rights activists carrying signs supporting a cause. Here’s a gallery of such causes:

The next time you drive by a protest, honk to support it, even if you’re not on board with the cause. Don’t think of it as supporting a cause, think of it as protecting your rights and the rights of the idiots around you.

Popularity: 77% [?]

Lets take a trip in the way back machine to the mid 90s…a time where the average family started to access the web from their mac or pc sitting in the den. Compared to today’s computers, that computer, encased in an ugly grey or beige color box, was practically a toaster oven. You probably used it to type term papers (in 5-paragraph format according to your MLA book) or for a scorching game of solitaire…OOH, FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! Somewhere down the line, most people started to access the World Wide Web on their computers (cause “slow shitty guy living in his parents basement land” was too long for a name) through a dial-up ISP like AOL, Earthlink, Compuserve or one of the many other companies that came and went (like a Chechnyan prostitute with schizophrenia).

Since the net was so young, you didn’t have many choices. You could check your email (pure text, no html), look at dirty pictures (grainy images of hairy-girl-gross-guy porn that took forever to load), sign someone’s guest book (probably for some shitty 90210 fan club site),  listen to a MIDI file of your favorite band (sounded like an electronic hallmark card), or have cybersex in a chatroom (most likely a 40 year old guy pretending to be Cara, a hot teenage girl from Cali). Getting and staying on the web was a long and arduous process with little to no return. The funny thing…you look back now and think, “LAME!” However, back then you probably thought it was the coolest thing since your parents got you that poster of Optimus Prime for over your bed.

In hind site, the net was pathetic back in the day, but now like an awkward teen with low self-esteem, it has grown up to become a sexier, more experienced version of itself that will do anything…and I mean anything. Now, just like that once awkward teen, it is a college student that is totally into doing kinky and dangerous things while being watched by numerous people (preferably on video). The internet has become a sex starved college student that went away on mommy and daddy’s dime to break out and experiment (i.e. 3 ways, dual penetration, snorting cocaine off your dick) and as a result, now has new things like MP3s, HD pics, streaming video, social networks, and tons of viruses.

Excuse me while I go twitter my facebook to this awesome picture of Megan Fox in a painted on Super-Girl costume. Yum!

Popularity: 92% [?]

On a recent night out of drinking, as it so often does, meeting women at a bar was brought up into the discussion.  Now of course we all have our own views of those we meet at a bar and where it may lead.  More often than not it is someone that we would enjoy for the night, and maybe a few more after, but that’s about it.  It is generally accepted that bars and clubs are meant for short term hookups as we travel down the path of life.  Typically men are the ones that have to work to get a girl.  Buying drinks for them and any friends they are with is a given.  Slowly breaking the chosen one from the pack as the night progresses is almost an art form.  The problem though is that as men, we don’t realize what we are truly up against.  It’s not just the ugly friend that doesn’t want to go home alone while you bang the shit out of her girlfriend, but an entire secret society of fatties and ugly friends working against us.

Recently, an operative of this esteemed site brought to our attention the secret underworld of the women’s bathroom.  The common practice of going in pairs has just been accepted, but never truly questioned.  Is there more to this than we realize?  Based on this new startling evidence, there just may be.  We have learned that not only is there the typical girl talk about what guy they should talk to, but an entire network literally written out to screw guys over.  It is worse than we ever thought possible.  However, based on the writings, we can break down a reasonable defense that takes minimal effort and still keeps you in the game.

First we will address one of the easiest ones.  This one typically will be used by the strong business woman that feels she will never get ahead because she is a woman.  You can almost always spot her at happy hour as the woman in the ant suit outfit and often with a short haircut.  She wants to be like Hillary Clinton but is not willing to have members of her staff killed to protect her rise to power.  These packs can be dangerous to break apart but it can be done.  The best strategy is to wait for one to break from the pack to get a drink.  Don’t move over too far at the bar for her to get her order and you just subtly hinted you see her as an equal.  This initial hint allows you to comment about the time it takes for drinks or some other pointless banter.  Either way, you just made her feel like more than the typical piece of ass at happy hour and have a way in.  Or this could just be put there from the fat pissed of ugly friend.

This next one is a little tougher but still workable.  There are two types that can fall into this category.  The true gold diggers, which should just be avoided unless you are pulling in 7-8 figures a year or the Starbucks drinking, Chanel or any other expensive brand name sunglasses wearing, fake Louis bag woman.  If it is the latter of the two, it may cost a little, but with some effort you’ll be giving her your own white mocha latte.  As usual, they will be in a pack, usually 2-3.  Often times they like to pretend they are those annoying bitches from sex and the city drinking their martinis and talking about their last designer bullshit item they bought or last guy they had.  With this group the key is all about timing and placement.  If you can get a table near them, half the battle is over. Simply order some over priced bottle and make it loud enough for them to hear.  This should grab their attention.  When the bottle gets there, say you guys don’t want to drink it all yourselves and invite them to join in.  Make a point to ask if they want refills on their drinks and make sure it’s top shelf.  Eventually they can see the tab adding up and will be impressed.  Yes, they usually are that easy to impress.  It just becomes a matter of divide and conquer.  Now if this fails, then they are true gold diggers and you want to just walk away.  Or it was just another case of the fat ugly friend striking again.

This kind of chic is pretty simple, but it comes with a couple of prerequisites.  First you must have at least one dog, minimum 25 pounds, or if you’re a tool and have cats, you must have 2 and a good story for them.  The woman often is a big animal lover and typically big hearted.  They are not always the easiest to spot but just think midwestern type that has yet to be defiled.  That of course is your job.  Often times it won’t take long for the subjects of pets to come up with these types.  Simply say you got the dog from the pound cause you believe in saving a dog rather than supporting puppy mills.  If this doesn’t make her start to undress you with her eyes, then more than likely it’s the fat ugly friend striking again.

This last one is the toughest to deal with and often times is pointless.  Typically the girl will be out of a recent relationship, usually long term.  This will also be the largest and meanest pack that you will have to come against.  All the claws will be out and they will rebuff just about any attempts.  This is best attempted with at least 2-3 wingmen, and depending on the pack, maybe more.  The main goal is to be next to hear within 15 minutes.  If you can get at least 1 laugh within 3 minutes, her defense is down.  This is when taking psych 101 will come in handy. Let her talk a little about the breakup.  Give the periodic nod along with a “oh I’m so sorry” or “what a heartless creep”.  Basic sympathy will go along way.  Keep this up for a while and eventually the other friends will have less control and she will be yours for the taking.  Of course, all of this could come crashing down with our favorite person. The fat ugly friend may take her off to the bathroom and remind her she is too good for you, just like her ex.  This will require a major sacrifice from one of the wingmen.  He must keep the fat ugly friend engaged to prevent her running interference otherwise it’s game over.  If you can actually get her though, it will be some of the best hardcore, rough, pull the hair, screaming vengence sex you will experience.

Of course there are other types out there that can affect you, so you must always be ready.  The real lesson here though is pretty simple.  Fat ugly friends are the kryptonite for any guy at the bar.  Even when they are not there, they have designed a network across women’s bathrooms to still continue their reign of ugly terror.  They are the curse of men everywhere.  Forget Al-qaeda, they are the real threat to society.  Unfortunately there is not much we can do except plan ahead to deal as best we can.  And of course, as the last resort, you can always keep buying food for them to shovel in their fat mouths so they can’t talk and hopefully choke.  Good luck and Godspeed.

Popularity: 14% [?]

We’ve all seen them out there.  They disgust you at the gym.  They make you want to break your beer bottle over their head at the bar.  When you’re at a football game, you want to just punch them in the chest so they shut up.  Who is this mystery person that causes nothing but hatred.  It’s that old guy that is grasping to his last bit of youth that he believes is still there.  You know who I’m talking, the douchebag that goes back to the frat house homecoming weekend to relive the glory days.  We all know someone like this, and God help you if you are one of these guys.  To help those out there who are scratching their slowly balding head wondering if they fit into this category, we’ll break down a few of the typical guys.  Also, if you are stuck being near these guys, we’ll give some tips on dealing with them when possible.

The first guy we’ll discuss is the creepy old guy at the gym. There are a few ways to tell if you fall into this category.  First off, if you wear those parachute pants that were popular in the late 80’s and early 90’s that every wrestler wore, this is a clear sign.  Most likely you will have an old school muscle shirt on and it will be tucked in.  Generally they can be seen in the free weight area and spending most of their time looking in the mirror.  The sad part is what they see in the mirror rarely reflects reality.  The following should illustrate this point.  Often times they will travel in packs, so ladies beware.  Avoid any eye contact or they will take that as a sign of interest and will hound you the rest of the time you are there.  If they try to but into your set, simply max out your weight and let them try to lift it.  Nine times out of ten they will struggle and leave without a word

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The next area you can find these guys at are the bars and clubs.  Here they tend to stick out rather easily.  Often times they have those horrible fake tans.  The haircut of the moment that they see in movies and on tv.  Often times they will have on shirts that no straight man would wear, but they saw something like it in Maxim so they thought it was cool.  Often times they will migrate towards the vip section in an attempt to show they have money to make up for their age and receding hair lines.  Typically these are the most creepy ones you’ll find.  The age difference between the guys and the women they are trying to impress will vary between 25-35 years.  They tend to act like assholes and try way too hard to impress the ladies.  Often times, while under the influence of alcohol and the belief he is 30 years younger, one will try and start a fight.  It’s best to ignore, or better yet, laugh at them and take whatever ladies are with them outside and bang in your car.

Next we come to the old jock that still thinks he can play.  Most of the time he played a few years in high school, maybe made it to some college, and then faded away.  Most likely he will be in the stadium parking lot as soon as it opens setting up to tailgate.  He’ll have his old jersey on or some sort of stupid costume on.  Often times they will carry signs with them to draw more attention to themselves.  

This is their way of letting the whole section he is sitting know just how big an asshole he is. Now some mix of classic rock will be blaring and plenty of beer will be on hand for him to get piss drunk on before the game.  Now normally that may not sound too bad, until you factor in the stories of I can still play bullshit.  This inevitably leads to running the old plays through the parking lot.  If he’s lucky he will only hurt himself by tripping or running into a light post.  Sadly though, often times he will hit a car with his errant pass, crash into either a bbq or table covered in food, or run into a car.  If you time it right though, a leg out to trip as he runs by or bending down to grab something and coming up to lay a shoulder into them can often times solve the problem.  The other upside is if their team loses, you can watch them break down.

Now what does this teach us?  That there will always be dumb assholes out there trying to cling to their youth.  They will not be able to grow up and will be forever stuck in that frat boy or even worse high school mentality.  I say enjoy your youth while you have it, but as you get older don’t be afraid of it, embrace it.  Go from pounding beers and shots to enjoying that $100 plus bottle of scotch and hand rolled cigars.  Realize you can still impress without looking like a fucking moron.  Refine and hone these skills and you can still get the women you want.  The big difference will be that they will stay with you rather than get some free drinks only to leave when the bar closes for the night.  And if you can’t, then don’t bitch when I drop a shoulder into you at the game or someone calls you gay at the bar.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Most people have a place that they go to for escape from stress. Some people have the beach, the library, or even the movies.  Others hire a dominatrix to beat the shit out of them…sickos (no judgment). Me? Well, I choose to get rid of my stress the healthy way. I like to go to the gym and tax my body to the point that I completely forget the reason why I was so stressed out. I can spend anywhere from 1 to 2 hours a day at the gym. It makes the stress melt away. However, there is a way to completely destroy the rejuvenating effects of working out…and that is being around other people that do not know how to behave at the gym. When you walk into most gyms, almost all, you will see a sign telling you about proper gym etiquette and attire. Those rules are great, but I am talking about the rules that aren’t on those boards…the unspoken rules of the gym.

First, the gym is a place to work out…and possibly pick up girls with self-esteem problems…not a place to chit-chat with your buddies about your latest acquisition so that you can feel better about your tiny penis. It’s amazing how many fucks go to the gym just to talk about their new car or job instead of actually working out. My favorite is the plethora of bad stock tips and lofty business ideas. I absolutely love when you catch one of these morons going on and on about a “sure thing” they heard about from their “insider” contact and then you find them leaving the gym in a 1990 Honda Civic with a “Living the Dream” bumper sticker pasted on the back. I do not mind small-talk, but if you want to boast about the shit you have or have in imagination land, then go elsewhere. Do your sets and shut up! I need to use that machine, asshole.

Second, allow for breathing room between machines. This is kind of like urinal etiquette (Urinal Etiquette), but not as awkward. Now keep in mind that this really only applies to when there are many open machines available. Let’s say that you are working out at the gym and there are a bunch of treadmills open. You grab a machine that has the perfect view of CNN and that girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts that say “Go Local College or Sports Team.” You have your ideal spot, you are working out, and you are in the zone…just then…some fucktard decides that none of the other dozen machines are good enough, and he/she wants to use the one right next to you. I guess you could take this as a complement, but 9 times out of 10, the person looks like they are missing a couple chromosomes. Don’t invade my personal space. Use one of the other open machines, you creepy fuck!

Third, don’t sing along to the music! The music is played so that you can work out long and hard…not so you can show everyone that you would like to be on American Idol. I remember having to put up with this one guy that loved to sing and dance along to his walkman that contained the best hits of Christina Aguilera and Celine Dion. He was a fit guy, apparently from the singing and dancing more than the lifting and running, so he was actually there work out. I am not going to lie to you. The first time I saw this guy singing while working out, I thought it was really fracking funny. However, after seeing it so many times, it really began to grow old. I was starting to use it as motivation to get through my sets so I could move to another part of the gym. Rule of thumb, if you feel the urge to sing then fight it!

Fourth, no spitting in the drinking fountain. Seriously, do you actually need someone to tell you not to do this? You are a total asshole to do this. There really is not much else to add on this one. If you do this, then you need to be pushed into traffic while fully handcuffed.

Fifth, put some fucking clothes on! You finished drying off from your shower over thirty minutes ago. I do not need to see your bait and tackle dangling near any part of me. No, this doesn’t stem from some latent homophobia or the fact that my childhood friend use to surprise me and my other friends with “naked time” during sleepovers. It’s a plain and simple courtesy, douchebag! Go elsewhere if you want to be an exhibitionist.

Shower with the curtain closed! Most gyms, at least mine, have separate shower stalls with curtains. The curtains are placed in each shower stall for a reason..for PRIVACY! The last thing I need to see while I head to the shower to rinse off is you working your frackin’ pole with a bottle of Axe body wash for freaks. The only thing I want to see doing that is the girl with the tiny white top and grey boyshorts from the second rule I mentioned.

All in all, remember the real purpose of the gym.  Its for working out and getting healthy. Its also a place to release stress. So stay the fuck away, freaks! And to the girl in the grey boyshorts and tiny white top…you can use the treadmill to my right, anytime!

Popularity: 10% [?]

Have you ever been asked, “Do you mind if I smoke?” This question usually comes from an asshole smoker who seeks to light up in your vicinity.

I have been asked this question and I truly fuckin hate it. And to be honest, I have to stereotype every idiot who has ever asked me a question this dumb. Such a dumb question can mean one of two things. The first option; this retarded cunt  really has no idea how impolite it is to blow toxic fumes in another human being’s face. And I don’t mean retarded in the cute, I-was-born-with-a-disability way, either. The other option is that they just don’t care.   Here’s a recent situation I found myself in:

Part 1:
Stupid-face asks me, “Do you mind if I smoke.” In my head, I’m thinking do you mind if I drop my drawers and shit on your shoes. Unfortunately, I instead reply, “Not at all.”

Part 2:
Douchebag starts sucking on his cigarette like Andy Dick sucks penis at a pride parade. Upon exhale, scumbag is kind enough to angle his smelly, tar-cover lips upward such that only half of his toxin cloud ends up in my face and eventually, in my lungs only to be the cause of my miserable silver years spent on Oxygen in a hospital bed. Not only is this courtesy ineffective, it also makes douchebag look even more like a douchebag.

Part 3:
Smokey the bear throws his cigarette on the ground. Of course, there’s no fuckin way he’s going to pick it up. Besides, it’s socially acceptable to leave cigarettes on the ground. But at least he steps on it, reducing the odds that it causes a fire. What courtesy. Give this douche-fucker an award.

Part 4:
Douche-licker hops in his hybrid and cruises off. What an environmentalist. I should have slit his throat when I had the chance.

In dealing with a question so baffling stupid, I tend to go through the following emotional steps.  It’s important to note that, in any given circumstance, I may skip a step. It really depends on how the rest of my day is going.

Emotion #1: Sadness

At first, I feel very sad. I’d rather this individual not smoke in my prescience. My therapist told me that I should tell others how I feel. I wish she was here to help me right now…

I consciously attempt to move out of this phase because I’m starting to feel like a pussy.

Emotion #2: Anger

Next, I begin to feel upset. I start to consider how selfish this question really is. I begin to wonder, Is this idiot trying to disrespect me? He/she must be. No person could be so fuckin stupid to think that this is “okay” for them to spit in my face.

Things (in my brain) are starting to heat up. Can I keep in control?

Emotion #3: Aggressive

My brain is now on fire and my body begins to tremble. Suddenly, I catch myself glancing around the room. Are there any sharp objects nearby? How will I escape?

Is this normal? I think to myself. Of course it is. This is what Darwin meant by survival of the fittest. The voices become stronger and now there’s little  hope of turning back.

Emotion #4: Acceptance

Suddenly, I get a hold of my emotions.  My eyes rid themselves of the bloody, bulging veins which seemed to carry with them the fury of a Spartan Warrior. I begin to realize that, although the schmuck standing before me may deserve a royal ass-whooping, I should just distance myself. Walk away, the voices say, walk away…

Stupid Questions Require Stupid Answers

If you’re ever short of an idea for an appropriate response to the world’s most idiotic question, try one of these. For your convenience, I’ve broken them down by situation:
A buddy you’ve known forever asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

Not at all scumbag. You’ve been asshole since the day I’ve met you. Go ahead and smoke and blow that shit right in my face. After all, I did sleep with your sister.

A pretty girl (whom you have not just had sex with) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

If by smoke you mean smoke my cock, then of course. But don’t expect me to call you when it’s done. I’m not into relationships, skank-ass.

A pretty girl (whom you just had sex with) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

Not at all. You can smoke. Just take your skanky little ass outside and do it. (Once she goes outside, lock the door behind her and don’t return her calls). It’s for her own good.

A man or woman with child asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I don’t, and neither does your soon-to-be asthmatic son. Then again, he probably won’t need his weak little lungs functioning correctly anyways. He’ll probably grow up to be just like you, douche-bag. And if you’re lucky, he too will pass lifelong lung problems on to his firstborn as well. Be proud of what you’re doing. Those silly doctors don’t know what they are talking about anyways.

A fat chic (link to fatty) asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I’ll make you a deal, fatty. If you agree not to smoke that piece of shit in front of my face or anywhere close to me, I’ll buy you a fatty-burger and fatty-fries to shove in your fatty-face. For desert, you can blow my fatty cock. How’s that sound, pumpkin?

A nun asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

No sister, I don’t mind if you smoke. After all, you are a woman of the lord and all you do is holy, no matter how much it hurts the rest of us. If it was written in your little book, then you need not consider anything else.

Just about anyone else asks, Do you mind if I smoke?

I’ll make you a deal. If you smoke that around me, you have to promise to finish it around me. And each time I smell your shitty, toxic smoke, I get to bitch slap you. You see, your punishment will come today. Mine, won’t come for many years. But you can sleep well at night knowing that you contributed to my ultimate demise.

Next time you’re on the receiving end of the world most dumbestest question, feel free to let the idiot on the other end of the conversation know exactly how stupid and inconsiderate they are. Please, help me to clean up America, one completely selfish moron at a time.

Popularity: 7% [?]

The day that men have come to fear is almost here.  After months of watching football, drinking beer, and eating wings, it has been decided that this is the day to make up for it.  Who decided on this day? History has not been quite clear on this matter, however I believe it may be a mix of the greeting card people and chocolate makers of the world.  In a bid to fill the winter void between the Christmas and Easter sales, something had to be done.  So what did they do?  They decide to take a random day in the shortest month and say this is when you should show you love someone.  This display of course means buying that someone a card and chocolate.  And thus the horror known as Valentine’s day has evolved.

But let us take a look into history and see how love has been shown on this day.  Going back to the dark ages, the Bavarians, with a penchant for killing people, decide to burn to death 2000 jewish people in Strasbourg in 1349.  400 years later, the Hawaiians, apparently as a preemptive strike for being associated with Don Ho, decide to kill Captain James Cook.  And yes I said Cook, not Hook.

Just 150 years later, we see the wonderful religion of the Mormons have their first meeting.  And after watching the Southpark episode on their history, we all know how great that worked out.  Now supposedly they claim Texas was linked to the rest of the U.S. on this date by telegraph.  Apparently that is as close to connecting with the rest of the nation that they could handle.  They still appear to like living in that time period, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Now onto the 20th century.  Starting off right from the beginning in southern Africa, the Second Boer War started.  After a few years, over 75,000 people died in this war between the British and South Africans.  And we all know how great that freedom turned out during apartheid.  In 1929 the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre occurred in Chicago.  Six gangsters were killed in this bloody ambush setup by the gang of Al Capone.  By far this has been one of the more memorable events in recent history.  And if the mob doesn’t think much of valentine’s day, you know it has to be bad.

As for these short years of the 21st century, we already have some wonderful memories of this love filled day.  A water park collapses in Russia killing 25 people in 2004.  A double whammy in 2005 with the Lebanese prime minister assassinated along with a terrorist attack in the Philippines killing 7.  And just last year, a shooting that occurred on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

So what does this recount of history show us?  That Valentine’s day brings nothing but death and misery.  That no matter what men may try to do, history shows we are doomed on this day.  And the truly sad part is that it shows us apparently OJ’s way of loving is the right way.  As he said, over and over again, if he was guilty of anything, it was of loving her too much.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Using a public urinal can seem like a pretty simple task. It’s sort of like peeing outside except that your inside and you’re almost guaranteed to experience some splash back. Yet we are still thankful for this important invention. If it weren’t for the urinal, guys would be waiting in line for the bathroom just like the chicks we harass on our way to use it.

Despite years of practice and urinal experience, most of us still don’t understand proper urinal etiquette. It’s too bad that such a pleasant task can be ruined by the inappropriate behavior of other urinal-patrons. Today, I seek to clarify some of the unspoken rules which outline the proper use of a urinal. These apply to both men and women, so long as they are using the urinal in the men’s room. Please remember that restroom norms vary across cultures so slight adjustments to these policies may be necessary. When it doubt, don’t ask your fellow urinal patrons. That’s just creepy…

To begin, Wikipedia defines urinal as a specialized toilet used for urinating (only). For the most part, urinals are meant to be used while standing. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.

General Rules for Proper Urinal Usage
Usage: Urinals should only be used for urinating (see definition). Vomit, feces and other solid or semi-solid material should be saved for the toilet (which we’ll cover in future posts). These materials can clog the urinal and cause problems for other urnators.

Talking: Talking is usually socially acceptable in a urinal environment. However, conversation topic should be limited to small talk topics like chicks and sports. Save the bromance until you get back to the bar.

Spitting: Spitting is also accepted. It’s only natural to have a desire to spit while peeing into a urinal.

Eye contact: No. Definitely not.

Farting: Again, generally accepted. In fact, loud farts command praise from your urinal-buddies.

Cell phones: Cell phone conversation is usually okay. Just don’t get caught whispering sweet-nothings to the slut you are banging into the phone. That’s sort of creepy too.

Drinks: This is a personal call. It’s a pretty bad idea (germs) to bring drinks in the bathroom but sometimes it can better than the alternative.

Urinal Positioning and Configurations
Now, we’ll take a look at a few real life examples of urinal configurations. We’ll describe each configuration, particularly how the configuration will affect your urinal positioning.

The Straight Five Urinal Configuration

General comments: The Straight Five urinal configuration is a basic configuration where all five urinals are placed side by side. Since there are so many acceptable combinations, it’s fairly difficult to cause a problem in this scenario.
Difficulty level: Easy
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 and/or #5 is in use
Your move: Take #3
Scenario B: #2 or #4 is in use
Your move: Use #5 if #2 is in use and #1 if #4 is in use
Scenario C: #3 is in use
Your move: Use #1 or #5
Scenario D: #2 and #4 are in use
Your move: #1 and #5 are the only reasonable options. Using #3 would be rude.

The Two Urinal + Sink Configuration

General comments: Two urinals sit side-by-side with a wall on one end and a sink on the left. This configuration can be difficult for the urinal loser who stands adjacent to the sink.
Difficulty level: Medium-Hard
Scenarios
Scenario A: #1 is in use
Your move: Use # 2 only if the stall is not available. Avoiding peeing in #2 when sink in use.
Scenario B: #2 is in use
Your move: Use of urinal #1 is acceptable
Scenario C: #1 and #2 are in use and your drunk and it’s late
Your move: Use of the sink is only acceptable if those around you are equally as drunk. Warning: Most people in the room will think that you’re a complete dick. Remember: It’s only okay to use the sink when it is this close to a urinal.

Outdoor Quad-Urinal Configuration

General comments: 4 urinals facing each other but separated by impermeable plastic wall. This is usually a challenging pee for those with stage fright. Otherwise, there’s something sickly pleasant about peeing in the middle of a crowded town-square.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on phobias
Scenarios
N/A. Anything goes in the situation.

The Dreaded Trough Urinal Configuration

General comments: A trough-shaped toilet capable of accommodating several peeing fools at one time. There are no established rules except to fend for yourself.
Difficulty level: Difficult
Scenarios:
N/A. When using a trough-style urinal, always avoid the drain spot. This is where the urine of all your peeing buddies will flow to. If you thought your own splash-back was bad, it can be worse. I’ve even been know to hold my pee until a non-drain spot became available. (Note: This action does not make you less of a man)

The WTF (what the fuck?) Urinal

General comments: Any configuration of toilets that is out of the ordinary. You can’t prepare for these so you have to go with gut instinct. Sometimes it’s best to wait for a stall to become available and skip the urinal all together.
Difficulty level: Easy-difficult based on configuration.

Quick Tips for Urinating Success

• When unsure of proper etiquette, follow the lead of the most experience user. That’s right, do what the old guy is doing. Unless he’s really old and is doing things that would indicate loss of memory.
• No matter what, it’s never okay to ask for help.

To conclude this guide, I’ve located a couple of great videos on the topic. The views and opinions in these videos may or may not conform to the rules you’ve seen here. Still, I think these do a great job of expressing the main points.

Proper Urinal Eitiquette

Urinal Rules

The Great-Urinal Photo Gallery

Holy… Piss?

Stage fright

Hmmm..

Popularity: 44% [?]

We live in a time filled with people who are becoming increasingly focused on eating right and staying healthy. With dedication and a goal set in your mind, it can be easy. A good step in the right direction would be buying only healthy food and preparing meals at home instead of going to a restaurant. But what do the folks that work a 9-5 job in an office without access to a kitchen do?  What options are there for the people that sit on their collective fat asses all day long? You know the type…usually they are a 200 pound shrill that loves to take account of every time you come in late or leave early.

Now what do people like these shrills do when they are constantly surrounded by Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, Cheesecake Factory, and all the other cholesterol pumping establishments? Well, if you are part of the front desk staff at my last company, the answer is easier than you think! These shrills at my last job would spend every week trying out the latest get-thin-quick diet scheme (diet pills, low carbs, no carbs, all protein, bananas, colorless food, bloodletting, etc.), and then celebrate that one to two pound loss with a Venti mocha frappucino and a thick slice of chocolate cake. It was the same fracking thing all the time, “Oh my God, Kelly, I lost 2 pounds. That’s super amazing, Lisa! Let’s celebrate with some Cheesecake Factory!”

Eventually it got to the point that these shrills starting picking out what they were going to order for lunch after they clocked in at 8AM. The end result of a couple years of this routine resulted in a very successful gain of around 30 pounds a piece.

The moral of the story is that if you want to eat healthy and stay healthy, then put down the fucking menu, fatty!

Popularity: 9% [?]

As a kid, I’m sure we all remember hearing about stories that if you get to the end of a rainbow, a little Irishman will be there with a pot of gold.  If you were able to pull your greedy eyes away from the pot of gold for one minute, the drunken bastard would offer you three wishes if you let him keep his gold.  Usually we were told these stories by our parents. This story went along with the tooth fairy, santa, the easter bunny, and any other holiday or event we could figure out how to get something for free.

As I grew up, I learned first the tooth fairy wasn’t real, then the easter bunny.  Next, I found out santa was not only a fake, but often times a really creepy drunk guy trying to get his life straight with a fake beard.  Now all this time I still held out hope that the drunken Irishman with gold was real.  I mean come on, we all know short Irishmen, some really short that might be able to pass for a leprechaun.  Sadly, I finally have proof that the last great story is just a myth.  The cool little Irish guy with gold is a lie.  This picture finally proves that point.  Even looking for some splattered remnants left on the road in a pool of roadkill, nothing.  No blood, be it red or green.  Not even a broken pint of Guinness which would have been as big a tragedy as the dead leprechaun.

So what has this horrible discovery taught me?  That our parents set us up to have our dreams crushed as we became adults.  While it can be a good lesson, I shed a tear for the mythical drunk Irish guy with his gold.  Never again will St. Patrick’s day be the same for me.  In my drunken stupors never again shall I imagine I see him running away with his lucky charms. To you mythical Irish guy, I raise my pint to your demise.

Popularity: 4% [?]